me

I've read a few blogs.
Some are funny. Some are boring. Some are collections of things close to the blogger.
But the ones that i like the most are the ones that the person seems to open up completely and bare their soul.
So that is something i am now going to attempt.

In the past, i have been completely shit at doing this. I hate talking about myself, or any topic that i feel uncomfortable about.
I clam up, feel awkward, and no matter what i do i cannot open up.
Someone who has been my best friend (for now about 14 years) only found out something about me because if i didnt tell her, she was going to see for herself and that scared the crap out of me.
So i told her, and it was one of the hardest things i had to do. I was so self conscious (and still am). She was wonderful about it, like i knew she would be and didnt make me feel horrible, or stupid or like a leper.
She understood how hard it was for me to open up, but it still really pisses me off that i cant open up completely because my head is fucked up :-(

Because i cant seem to be able to open up to people (no matter how hard i want to!), i havent experienced as much as someone my age might.
And i find myself lying to make up for it.

Back when i was a teenager, i could've fooled around with guys, but me being me didnt. There were offers of fooling around in the spa, leaving the pub to go home with a guy (a guy who seemed to love the taste of my ear wax, and make sure my arse had a print of his hand), doing stuff in the coolroom while at work, but i turned them all down.
Hell, the first time i touched a penis i made some bullshit excuse and left, before i really even got started coz i knew where it would lead but i didnt want to. Not coz i didnt want to, but because i was scared and didnt know what to do (he was a few years older.... like, grew up with my brother who is 8 years older than me older :-P) and self conscious i guess.
I even told my best friend (the same one of 14 years) that i did do a few things, just so i didnt seem like a complete idiot i guess.

There is only 1 person in this world who knows me. The real me. Who knows what scares me, what makes me cry, the biggest fears i have in the world, my dreams.
And he broke my heart nearly 3 weeks ago.
God it was so hard for me to open up to him!
We had issues for a while because of it. He kept saying i never let him in, but i was. i was trying my hardest, and he was so patient with me and finally broke down my barriers.
I was still never completely open with him, as much as i tried to be.
There were still barriers i had up that i didnt realise. He did everything he could to make me comfortable, and make me realise and understand, but i couldnt do it.
I tried my hardest, and in the end it wasnt enough i guess.

i know i havent opened up in this post, but its a start i hope.
I'm hoping i can open up on here, because there are only 3 people who follow this (and probably 0 who read it :-P)
I read a friends blog and i am so proud of her for writing what she does. i think if it were me i wouldnt be able to do it. But i'm trying to change that.