So, i found out my ex is getting a house with his new gf.
You know, the one he cheated on when he got back with me, the one he went back to after a month of breaking up with me.
To say i was gutted was an understatement.
We were together 4.5years, and he didnt want to commit to getting a place.
When he mum was diagnosed with breast caner, and his grandmother was dying, i was going to interviews up there to be closer to everyone so i could move up there.
He didnt want to get a place.
When i suggested looking at Pakenham (half way between both of us), he said no coz its too far to travel. I only suggested Pakky coz i knew how much he needed to get out of his sisters place. But he wanted to buy a house, and didnt want to even start looking for another 2 years until we'd both paid off our car loans - or the majority of it at least.
So i was hurt. Really hurt.
They get the keys on the 11th of November.
The only solace i have is knowing that living with someone full time is much different to living with someone part time, and i hope they fight like cats and dogs and break up because of it.
When i spoke to him on the phone about it, he is STILL maintaining it is MY FAULT we broke up because i asked him if something happened, even though HE GAVE ME EVERY reason to think something did happened with the way he treated me that weekend - even he admits he treated me like absolute rat shit, but cant explain why.
So fuck him, fuck his skanky STD riddled slut and i hope i never heard from him again.
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Saturday, 29 October 2011
Frick
Frick. Frick. Frick. Frick. Frick. Frick.
And in case you missed it - FRICK!
Woke up yesterday to discover that my ex, who has only been my ex for 2 months and a couple of days, was in an engaged relationship.
OK, well not him, but the tramp he is with changed her status to engaged, and all the comments that followed she wasnt denying it. He is still at single status, because he doesnt want the world to know his business (personally i think its coz he's ashamed to be with her - she is butt fuck ugly!!)
Anyway, finding that out hurt. Hurt really bad. Worse then when we broke up.
I gave him 4.5years of my life, and he STILL wasnt ready to get a house together. I was planning on MOVING back down to where i moved from to be with him, and he STILL wasnt ready to get a house together.
So i was hurt that he was engaged to this fugly tip-rate (Thanks JB! <3) after being with her for a total of about 5months (over the space of 2.5 years).
So i messaged him, nothing nasty. Just telling him i'd like the rest of my money before he goes ahead and gets a house and makes the biggest mistake of his life by marrying not only the rebound, but also the chick he cheated on with me.
Got a message a few hours later saying it was a test, ad it worked. He wanted to see who it was that was telling everyone shit.
Told him it was a mutual friend of mine and the skank. He reckons they went through her friends and narrowed it down to a few people - none of which is the person that is the mutual friend i was talking about.
So anyway, i put on a brave face coz i was at my besties house, and one of her friends that i dont know that well was over.
Came home, couldnt stop thinking about it. Started drinking.
A friends friend managed to keep me distracted for a while, and we've decided we're going to swap brains for a bit. Just need to figure out how to do it.....
So after being drunk, i messaged him again, coz i knew he was at work.
Nothing nasty. Just more along the line of oping he is happy the wedding will be small coz his family doesnt approve, hoping his happy his children will never have grandparents, hoping he's happy she is not welcome anywhere when it comes to his family, hoping he's happy and he and i can no longer have a civil conversation anymore, just stuff like that.
Just trying to really make him think that perhaps this relationship isnt the best one for him.
In saying that, a huge part of me doesnt want him back, and never will and barely wants to talk to him. But another huge part of me wants him to be happy, whatever he decides, and another huge part of me does want him back.
I am in too many parts :-(
Anyway, we messaged, he told me i should stop drinking and go to bed, so i responded with a message that i hoped made him laugh, coz i laughed while sending it.
It was just "You cant tell me what to do.. shush. go to work :-P" or something equally as childish.
I didnt hear from him again.
I went to bed.
Then got a phone call.
His ex best friend (the one that i slept with previously). Havent heard from him in AGES, and then out of the blue he calls him.
Wants to know if he can come over. I know i should say no, i know i should go back to sleep. But instead, i find myself telling him to bring something to mix with vodka with him.
He arrived, baring juice. Good boy.
We have a couple of drinks, and go to bed. I try to resist, but in my drunken state it didnt work so well.
Next morning i wake up to him giving me a back massage (OMG... heaven!!!!) and hearing him whispering "I love you"
I make some mumble/groan sound to indicate i'm semi sleeping still, and then he lays it on me: Would i ever consider being in a relationship with him, even after everything that has happened?
WTF!!!?!??!?!?
This is the guy who denied we ever slept together (and now i can understand why), and did everything he could to prove that i was lying (to the point of even making up a fake hacking transcript of my telephone records to prove i got someone to lie to me) - he even began to make me paranoid that i was lying when i know i wasnt!!
What he did could've broken up my relationship with my bf, and his family, and lost me somewhere to live (i was living with them when it came out).
So even after all that, and us not talking in ages, and the fact he has a girlfriend, and he STILL asks me!
So i cried a little. Told him there was a time when i thought we would've been together, and that was going back 5years, when we first met. But not he's my Logi Bear - a really really close friend (just one i never talk to anymore...)
I rolled over, and ignored him. Ignored his attempts to get me to talk to him, ignored his attempts to get me to kiss him, ignored his attempts to get me to do anything with him.. and it was hard!
But somehow i managed, coz he left after an hour or so of trying.
The whole time he was here i had Gotye's "Someboody I Used To Know" running through my head, and i kept thinking about my ex and his "fiance"
Now, i think i will clean the shit out of the house, and change my sheets, and vacuum and mop, and clean teh fish tank and cook to make myself feel better and take my mind off things.
Although i do have a reminder of last night - a hicky on the side of my neck, the size of a $5 note.... that has been folded once or twice.
At least i got out with my face in tact - i swear he was trying to eat it each time he went to kiss me.
Worst. Kisser. Ever.
FML
***Edit: It has now been confirmed that my x is NOT engaged.
He told me last night. Although, like i told him with all the lies he'd fed me lately i'm not too sure what is the truth and whats not when it comes from his mouth"
And in case you missed it - FRICK!
Woke up yesterday to discover that my ex, who has only been my ex for 2 months and a couple of days, was in an engaged relationship.
OK, well not him, but the tramp he is with changed her status to engaged, and all the comments that followed she wasnt denying it. He is still at single status, because he doesnt want the world to know his business (personally i think its coz he's ashamed to be with her - she is butt fuck ugly!!)
Anyway, finding that out hurt. Hurt really bad. Worse then when we broke up.
I gave him 4.5years of my life, and he STILL wasnt ready to get a house together. I was planning on MOVING back down to where i moved from to be with him, and he STILL wasnt ready to get a house together.
So i was hurt that he was engaged to this fugly tip-rate (Thanks JB! <3) after being with her for a total of about 5months (over the space of 2.5 years).
So i messaged him, nothing nasty. Just telling him i'd like the rest of my money before he goes ahead and gets a house and makes the biggest mistake of his life by marrying not only the rebound, but also the chick he cheated on with me.
Got a message a few hours later saying it was a test, ad it worked. He wanted to see who it was that was telling everyone shit.
Told him it was a mutual friend of mine and the skank. He reckons they went through her friends and narrowed it down to a few people - none of which is the person that is the mutual friend i was talking about.
So anyway, i put on a brave face coz i was at my besties house, and one of her friends that i dont know that well was over.
Came home, couldnt stop thinking about it. Started drinking.
A friends friend managed to keep me distracted for a while, and we've decided we're going to swap brains for a bit. Just need to figure out how to do it.....
So after being drunk, i messaged him again, coz i knew he was at work.
Nothing nasty. Just more along the line of oping he is happy the wedding will be small coz his family doesnt approve, hoping his happy his children will never have grandparents, hoping he's happy she is not welcome anywhere when it comes to his family, hoping he's happy and he and i can no longer have a civil conversation anymore, just stuff like that.
Just trying to really make him think that perhaps this relationship isnt the best one for him.
In saying that, a huge part of me doesnt want him back, and never will and barely wants to talk to him. But another huge part of me wants him to be happy, whatever he decides, and another huge part of me does want him back.
I am in too many parts :-(
Anyway, we messaged, he told me i should stop drinking and go to bed, so i responded with a message that i hoped made him laugh, coz i laughed while sending it.
It was just "You cant tell me what to do.. shush. go to work :-P" or something equally as childish.
I didnt hear from him again.
I went to bed.
Then got a phone call.
His ex best friend (the one that i slept with previously). Havent heard from him in AGES, and then out of the blue he calls him.
Wants to know if he can come over. I know i should say no, i know i should go back to sleep. But instead, i find myself telling him to bring something to mix with vodka with him.
He arrived, baring juice. Good boy.
We have a couple of drinks, and go to bed. I try to resist, but in my drunken state it didnt work so well.
Next morning i wake up to him giving me a back massage (OMG... heaven!!!!) and hearing him whispering "I love you"
I make some mumble/groan sound to indicate i'm semi sleeping still, and then he lays it on me: Would i ever consider being in a relationship with him, even after everything that has happened?
WTF!!!?!??!?!?
This is the guy who denied we ever slept together (and now i can understand why), and did everything he could to prove that i was lying (to the point of even making up a fake hacking transcript of my telephone records to prove i got someone to lie to me) - he even began to make me paranoid that i was lying when i know i wasnt!!
What he did could've broken up my relationship with my bf, and his family, and lost me somewhere to live (i was living with them when it came out).
So even after all that, and us not talking in ages, and the fact he has a girlfriend, and he STILL asks me!
So i cried a little. Told him there was a time when i thought we would've been together, and that was going back 5years, when we first met. But not he's my Logi Bear - a really really close friend (just one i never talk to anymore...)
I rolled over, and ignored him. Ignored his attempts to get me to talk to him, ignored his attempts to get me to kiss him, ignored his attempts to get me to do anything with him.. and it was hard!
But somehow i managed, coz he left after an hour or so of trying.
The whole time he was here i had Gotye's "Someboody I Used To Know" running through my head, and i kept thinking about my ex and his "fiance"
Now, i think i will clean the shit out of the house, and change my sheets, and vacuum and mop, and clean teh fish tank and cook to make myself feel better and take my mind off things.
Although i do have a reminder of last night - a hicky on the side of my neck, the size of a $5 note.... that has been folded once or twice.
At least i got out with my face in tact - i swear he was trying to eat it each time he went to kiss me.
Worst. Kisser. Ever.
FML
***Edit: It has now been confirmed that my x is NOT engaged.
He told me last night. Although, like i told him with all the lies he'd fed me lately i'm not too sure what is the truth and whats not when it comes from his mouth"
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
me
I've read a few blogs.
Some are funny. Some are boring. Some are collections of things close to the blogger.
But the ones that i like the most are the ones that the person seems to open up completely and bare their soul.
So that is something i am now going to attempt.
In the past, i have been completely shit at doing this. I hate talking about myself, or any topic that i feel uncomfortable about.
I clam up, feel awkward, and no matter what i do i cannot open up.
Someone who has been my best friend (for now about 14 years) only found out something about me because if i didnt tell her, she was going to see for herself and that scared the crap out of me.
So i told her, and it was one of the hardest things i had to do. I was so self conscious (and still am). She was wonderful about it, like i knew she would be and didnt make me feel horrible, or stupid or like a leper.
She understood how hard it was for me to open up, but it still really pisses me off that i cant open up completely because my head is fucked up :-(
Because i cant seem to be able to open up to people (no matter how hard i want to!), i havent experienced as much as someone my age might.
And i find myself lying to make up for it.
Back when i was a teenager, i could've fooled around with guys, but me being me didnt. There were offers of fooling around in the spa, leaving the pub to go home with a guy (a guy who seemed to love the taste of my ear wax, and make sure my arse had a print of his hand), doing stuff in the coolroom while at work, but i turned them all down.
Hell, the first time i touched a penis i made some bullshit excuse and left, before i really even got started coz i knew where it would lead but i didnt want to. Not coz i didnt want to, but because i was scared and didnt know what to do (he was a few years older.... like, grew up with my brother who is 8 years older than me older :-P) and self conscious i guess.
I even told my best friend (the same one of 14 years) that i did do a few things, just so i didnt seem like a complete idiot i guess.
There is only 1 person in this world who knows me. The real me. Who knows what scares me, what makes me cry, the biggest fears i have in the world, my dreams.
And he broke my heart nearly 3 weeks ago.
God it was so hard for me to open up to him!
We had issues for a while because of it. He kept saying i never let him in, but i was. i was trying my hardest, and he was so patient with me and finally broke down my barriers.
I was still never completely open with him, as much as i tried to be.
There were still barriers i had up that i didnt realise. He did everything he could to make me comfortable, and make me realise and understand, but i couldnt do it.
I tried my hardest, and in the end it wasnt enough i guess.
i know i havent opened up in this post, but its a start i hope.
I'm hoping i can open up on here, because there are only 3 people who follow this (and probably 0 who read it :-P)
I read a friends blog and i am so proud of her for writing what she does. i think if it were me i wouldnt be able to do it. But i'm trying to change that.
Some are funny. Some are boring. Some are collections of things close to the blogger.
But the ones that i like the most are the ones that the person seems to open up completely and bare their soul.
So that is something i am now going to attempt.
In the past, i have been completely shit at doing this. I hate talking about myself, or any topic that i feel uncomfortable about.
I clam up, feel awkward, and no matter what i do i cannot open up.
Someone who has been my best friend (for now about 14 years) only found out something about me because if i didnt tell her, she was going to see for herself and that scared the crap out of me.
So i told her, and it was one of the hardest things i had to do. I was so self conscious (and still am). She was wonderful about it, like i knew she would be and didnt make me feel horrible, or stupid or like a leper.
She understood how hard it was for me to open up, but it still really pisses me off that i cant open up completely because my head is fucked up :-(
Because i cant seem to be able to open up to people (no matter how hard i want to!), i havent experienced as much as someone my age might.
And i find myself lying to make up for it.
Back when i was a teenager, i could've fooled around with guys, but me being me didnt. There were offers of fooling around in the spa, leaving the pub to go home with a guy (a guy who seemed to love the taste of my ear wax, and make sure my arse had a print of his hand), doing stuff in the coolroom while at work, but i turned them all down.
Hell, the first time i touched a penis i made some bullshit excuse and left, before i really even got started coz i knew where it would lead but i didnt want to. Not coz i didnt want to, but because i was scared and didnt know what to do (he was a few years older.... like, grew up with my brother who is 8 years older than me older :-P) and self conscious i guess.
I even told my best friend (the same one of 14 years) that i did do a few things, just so i didnt seem like a complete idiot i guess.
There is only 1 person in this world who knows me. The real me. Who knows what scares me, what makes me cry, the biggest fears i have in the world, my dreams.
And he broke my heart nearly 3 weeks ago.
God it was so hard for me to open up to him!
We had issues for a while because of it. He kept saying i never let him in, but i was. i was trying my hardest, and he was so patient with me and finally broke down my barriers.
I was still never completely open with him, as much as i tried to be.
There were still barriers i had up that i didnt realise. He did everything he could to make me comfortable, and make me realise and understand, but i couldnt do it.
I tried my hardest, and in the end it wasnt enough i guess.
i know i havent opened up in this post, but its a start i hope.
I'm hoping i can open up on here, because there are only 3 people who follow this (and probably 0 who read it :-P)
I read a friends blog and i am so proud of her for writing what she does. i think if it were me i wouldnt be able to do it. But i'm trying to change that.
Friday, 2 September 2011
FML
2 weeks ago i was happy.
i was counting the hours down until i got to see my bf.
now i'm depressed.
and i'm counting the hours down until Monday so i can go back to work and be distracted.
FML
i was counting the hours down until i got to see my bf.
now i'm depressed.
and i'm counting the hours down until Monday so i can go back to work and be distracted.
FML
Saturday, 27 August 2011
ray of hope
I told myself i would stay off facebook.
Mainly because i dont want to see everything he's been up to, and how happy he is.
I want him to hurt and be sad like i am.
I want him to fight back tears when he thinks of me, like i do when i think of him.
But even though i promised myself i wouldn't look at facebook, i have. many times.
The thing i look at most if the bit that says "... in a relationship with..."
Right now, we're still in a relationship.
Either because he can't figure out how to change it, or because he hasnt been on a computer to be able to change it, or because he is avoiding facebook like i am, or because there is a big part of him that was just angry and said what he said because he was hurting, and because he still wants to be with me.
I'm putting all my money on the last one. Because he wants to be with me still.
I just hope i dont lose big time :-(
Mainly because i dont want to see everything he's been up to, and how happy he is.
I want him to hurt and be sad like i am.
I want him to fight back tears when he thinks of me, like i do when i think of him.
But even though i promised myself i wouldn't look at facebook, i have. many times.
The thing i look at most if the bit that says "... in a relationship with..."
Right now, we're still in a relationship.
Either because he can't figure out how to change it, or because he hasnt been on a computer to be able to change it, or because he is avoiding facebook like i am, or because there is a big part of him that was just angry and said what he said because he was hurting, and because he still wants to be with me.
I'm putting all my money on the last one. Because he wants to be with me still.
I just hope i dont lose big time :-(
*sad face*
I want to talk to him.
There is so much that i want to tell him, that has happened in the past couple of days.
But i'm not going to.
Just wish i had someone to talk to, the way i used to talk with him.
I've not only lost my boyfriend, but also one of my best friends.
:-(
There is so much that i want to tell him, that has happened in the past couple of days.
But i'm not going to.
Just wish i had someone to talk to, the way i used to talk with him.
I've not only lost my boyfriend, but also one of my best friends.
:-(
so surreal
I've technically been single for 2 nights now.
And it sucks.
My bf - sorry, my ex bf - came down on Wednesday.
Got to my place about 6. We ended up going to bed about 11ish.
In those 5 hours that he was awake down her, he managed to message of one the people he'd spent the whole weekend with.
So i'm thinking to myself, "why is it, that he can message someone he barely knows in the space of 5 hours, then he has spoken to me in the past 5 days!"
The chick he was messaging was driving back to NSW with her mum, her son and her sister. Its not like my ex bf needed to continually message her to keep her awake - she wasn't alone in the car. And if he was messaging her to keep her awake while driving, then he shouldn't be doing that either!
I need more than 2 hands to count the number of times he's yelled at me for texting while i'm driving.
I admit he was also messaging other people, but call it womens intuition, i knew majority of the messages were to and from her.
Thursday i went to work, and was back at home and in bed by 8am.
We went for a bike ride together, and had lunch, and went and got some oil so he could do an oil change on my bike.
It was a great day.
Aside from the constant messaging - again.
Just pissed me off that he is messaging her more than he did me.
After dinner than night, we were watching a movie. We were having snuggles on the couch, and i positioned myself purposely so i could see his phone when he got a message.
He got a message. From her.
I didnt read it all, but the part i read was "...just missing something"
He response was "me lol"
Her response was "smart cookie ;-)"
WTF?!?!?!
Luckily, like 2 seconds after that happened, i my phone went off, so i had an excuse to move and collect myself i guess.
So i messaged one of my friends what happened and to ask if i should confront him, even though i know it will start a fight.
Before she had a chance to reply, i'd already asked him.
Fuck me i wish i hadn't! I wish i just let it go, because the i'd still be able to call him mine :-(
I asked him if there was something that i should be worried about between him and this chick,
He of course, got upset, and pissed off because i'd basically accused him of cheating.
I explained my view, from the whole weekend, to the past couple of days and the lack of attention i got compared to the attention she was receiving.
Didnt matter.
Then it calmed down. It was still playing on my min, so i asked another question: could i read the messages.
Now, considering he has nothing to hide, he should've been quite happy for me to read them, so it could squash any doubt i had in my mind - right?
Wrong.
I asked, he told me to do what i want.
So i didnt read them :-(
Then he grabbed his shoes, and went for a walk. I called him a few minutes after he'd left, no answer. I wasnt surprised. I was more surprised that it connected! I figured he'd be on the phone to her or something.
So I sent him a text to come home.
Tried calling him again about half hour later, and he answered.
He said some things that made me cry, and it made me realised how i had completely just fucked our relationship up.
I called my mum in tears - what else is a girl meant to do?
He came back home when i was on the phone crying, so i pretty much hung up on mum so we could talk.
He said a few things, and then said he's sorry, but he can't do this anymore.
He cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesnt trust him.
He kept saying that i should know how loyal he is, and that if i knew that, then i shouldn't have even beein thinking those things!
He couldnt see it from my point of view, about how suss it looked. Just kept saying how loyal he is.
He even threw the "if the celebrity of my dreams came up and said lets fuck, i'd turn her down because i'm with you" card in my face.
Said it would've been easier for me to stab a knife into his heart and kill him then to ask him if he was cheating,
i told him i wasnt going to beg, but thats what i did. And i hate myself for it. I was trying anything i could to get him to realise the fucked up head space i'd been in the whole weekend, and for him to see it from my point of view and understand where i was coming from and admit if the roles were reversed he wouldnt like it!
But it didnt, he couldn't, he wouldn't.
He grabbed his phone and walked outside. He was on the verge of tears, i could see that. He called his mum, like anyone does i guess.
After he got off the phone he came inside crying, and said he's going to stay at a friends place that night, but will be back the next day to get his stuff.
He gave me a big hug, well, more put his armed around me and held me while i clung to him and begged him to stay, and gave me one last kiss.
Then left.
I sent a couple of messages to friends saying we just broke up, and i dont want to talk about it.
Turns out he sent a few messages to my friends to get them to call/message/come round to make sure i'm ok.
Then one of his friends called me.
She is sick - like really sick! - and drugged up to the fuck because of it.
I explained everything that happened (she already knew about the weekend) and even SHE - HIS FRIEND!!! - was saying how suss it sounds, and how she smells a fish, calling him every name under the sun and how she's going to tear shreds from him for treating me this way.
She tried to get my address from her because she wanted to come down that night (this was about 11pm).
I told her no way, because she was asleep when my ex bf messaged her, she is drugged to the fuck, and she needs to rest and get well!
She told me if i dont give it to her, she will call my ex, get it from him, yell at him and come down anyway.
So i sent him a message to him while still on teh phone to his friend, to tell him not to give her my number and why.
The fuckwit replied with "i can if you want. do you want me to give it to her?"
Uh... NO! I just messaged you to fucking tell you not to! Retard.
No, i didnt say that to him, but seriously! lol
So his friend and i hung up. it was obvious i wasnt getting any sleep that night, so i sent a message to my boss and her told i wont be in on Friday, and why.
Spoke to mum again, cried with mum again, and then hung up coz his friend was calling me again. She told me she got my address, and i got so pissed off about it. I specifically asked him not to, and he gave it to her!
Its not coz i dont want her to know where i live, its coz i didnt want her driving down in the middle of the night when she should be at home resting.
His friend told me she spoke to him, didnt learn anything new, tried to get him to see it from my point, he still wouldn't.
Needless to say, i barely got any sleep that night.
Friday i was exhausted. I barely slept, i had barely eaten, and i was starving but the thought of food was making me feel sick.
A friend asked me if i wanted her to visit, i told her i wouldn't be very good company, but i would like that.
I told her i was scared for when he came round to get his stuff, in case he hadn't changed his mind
Lunch time came, and as soon as i opened the door i fell into her arms and cried.
After i'd composed myself, i ran her through the last few nights events.
She said it seemed weird, and she would've done the EXACT same thing with her bf - in fact, when they moved out together she did one better. She outright asked him who he was cheating on her with!
She was here, and we were having a few laughs, and then i would get upset again, and we'd go over it.
Then he arrived to get his stuff - with the friend that put him up for the night. I'm really not a fan of her so i wasnt impressed she was there (dont worry, i knew nothing would ever happen. An elephant looks like its anorexic compared to her, and she's more of a boy then some boys i know!)
My friend asked if i wanted her to go, i told her no.
He came inside to ask where his bike keys were. I pointed to the heater, where i had put all of his stuff, so he wouldnt have to be here longer than needed.
After he'd loaded his bike, he came in to get his stuff.
I asked if we could talk. His response was cold, and said there is nothing to talk about.
I started to get a little angry and upset and kinda yelled a bit saying "we've been together for 4 years, and you wont even give me 5minutes!?"
He walked out.
My friend told me to go out there and ask him again, give it one more go. By this time i was yelling and i knew he could hear. I was yelling saying there's no fucking point, he wont listen, he doenst want to talk, its not going to change anything.
My friend had to go back to work, and met him outside of the door to say goodbye, and to ask him one more time if he's talk to me.
He said he'd think about it, but was going to say goodbye either way.
When we was ready to go, he came in to return my spare car key which was on his key ring.
He squatted down next to me, and explained that he needs a few days to think about things and to have some space. I apologised for insulting him by asking him if there was something going on, but he still refused to see it from my view. He reckons he wouldve been happy for me!
Pigs fucking arse!!
He said he'd call me in a few days when things have calmed down for both of us.
I told him i just want to sort it out now, because i was scared that if he drove off we wouldnt have a reason to talk, and being so far away we might not be able to sort it out.
He told me we'll still talk.
I made him promise me he'd let me know when he got back to his house, just so i knew he made it home safely. Normally it annoys me when he lets me know, but this time i needed to know incase he was crying while driving or something.
After he left, i felt strangely calm. I guess because i was so worked up about him coming round to get his stuff, that once it was over there was nothing but relief.
I dozed off on the couch for about an hour, only to be woken up by a friend of his at the door.
He said he'd gotten a text, and just wanted to make sure i was ok.
He gave me a hug, sat me down, made me a cup of tea, and explained that my ex is like him - he will just need a few days, and before i know it we'll be back together.
JB did make me feel better, and he said if i need anything, to call him. He's always been good like that.
My ex texted me to let me know he made it to his friends place (the one who spent most of Thursday night on the phone to me).
I thanked him for letting me know, and figured that would be the last time i hear from him for a while.
A few hours later i got a text from him, saying he made it home home. That one i wasnt expecting, so i didnt respond. He then sent me another, just to tell me he's transferred some money to me. That one i replied to, just thanks. He sent back no probs.
I went to a product testing survey thing at 5pm. Half an hour of my time, $40 gift card - thank you!
While i was there, his friend messaged me and let me know that he popped in on the way home, and that he seemed really depressed.
That made me so sad inside. So i'm walking through Chadstone shopping center, unsuccessfully fighting back tears.
I must've looked like a real bogan. Chaddy is filled with people in nice corporate wear, and here i am, wearing thongs, dirty jeans and a massive oversized jumped, crying.
I got to my car and sat there and cried for a bit before driving off.
I messaged her back, and asked her to keep an eye on him for me, and to make sure he's ok. She promised she would.
My cousins came over to get my mind off things Friday night. We watched a movie, and i fell asleep. I needed it. I woke up a few minutes before the end, and she left not long after. I went to bed, and slept the whole night, until 9:30 this morning. (Aside from a few text messages during the night that actually kinda scared me from my friend - glad your ok pumpkin!!)
Today i feel really good. I attempted to change the oil and the oil filter on my bike. My ex had planned to do it on friday for me. Mind you, that was before all the stuff happened. Needless to say when he came to get his stuff, i didnt ask, and he didnt offer :-P
I got the drain plug out no worries, and drain all the oil. But i couldn't crack the nut holding the filter in.
I needed a breaker bar.
I drove up to a shop that knows me through my ex, and have always looked after me.
I got there as they were literally locked the door and going home. I started crying because i wanted to prove to myself that i didnt need my ex to do my bike, that i could do it. And i couldn't.
Phil saw it was me, asked what i needed and told me to stop crying and come inside. Once inside, he gave me a hug and i told him we'd broken up.
He gave me another hug, and changed the subject to what i needed. He found a breaker bar for me, and said he'd already done the till, and just to return it in a few days. I thanked him so much, for not only looking after me today, but for always looking after me.
I went home... and its the wrong size drive for my socket! Not happy :-(
I'm hoping i can find somebody with a 17mm 1/2 inch drive socket tomorrow, otherwise i'll take the breaker bar back on monday, and probably have to pay for the correct size one.
Then i realised the worst part - my bike had no oil in it. I know its bad to start an engine with no oil, but i wasnt sure if just pushing it was ok.
I didnt want to ask JB< coz i felt i'd already hassled him enough earlier about the bike.
I grabbed my phone, and typed out a message to my ex. I didnt want to contact him. I want him to contact me.
But he is the only one i know that knows anything about bike. So he would know.
I didnt send it though. Instead i asked the world of fb. Luckily, i got an answer withing a few minutes, and he even had the same bike as me a few years back, and he said it was fine.
I was so relieved that i didnt need to ask my ex. I didnt want him to think i was using it as an excuse to contact him.
I came inside, watched part of a movie but fell asleep instead.
I've made a pact with myself that i will not call him, and i will not message him. No matter how much i want to.
I've also told myself that i will be staying away from fb. He rarely uses fb anyway, but i dont want to go on there, and see that i am no longer in a relationship with him.
According to the world of facebook, we're still together. I will leave that up to him to change it.
I'm looking forward to him calling me in a few days, but at the same time i'm dreading it. Because i doubt his mind will have changed.
I want him to miss me, and realise he still loves me, and wants to be with me and we can work this out.
Fuck, when it came out that i slept with his then best friend we didnt break up! He bought me a ring to prove he still loved me!
The worst part is, because he lives an hour and a half away and i only see him a few times throughout the month, it just feels like he's gone home and i'll see him next weekend.
It hasn't sunk in, and i know when it does thats when it will kill me.
We've been together for 4 years, on and off. When we originally got together, he told me that he has never gone out with the same girl twice, and he has never cheated on anyone.
He's gone out with me 3 times, and technically cheated on his gf when we got back together the last time.
On and off for 4 years, broken up 3 times, gotten back together 3 times, so there is still something there.
I just hope he realises it.
And it sucks.
My bf - sorry, my ex bf - came down on Wednesday.
Got to my place about 6. We ended up going to bed about 11ish.
In those 5 hours that he was awake down her, he managed to message of one the people he'd spent the whole weekend with.
So i'm thinking to myself, "why is it, that he can message someone he barely knows in the space of 5 hours, then he has spoken to me in the past 5 days!"
The chick he was messaging was driving back to NSW with her mum, her son and her sister. Its not like my ex bf needed to continually message her to keep her awake - she wasn't alone in the car. And if he was messaging her to keep her awake while driving, then he shouldn't be doing that either!
I need more than 2 hands to count the number of times he's yelled at me for texting while i'm driving.
I admit he was also messaging other people, but call it womens intuition, i knew majority of the messages were to and from her.
Thursday i went to work, and was back at home and in bed by 8am.
We went for a bike ride together, and had lunch, and went and got some oil so he could do an oil change on my bike.
It was a great day.
Aside from the constant messaging - again.
Just pissed me off that he is messaging her more than he did me.
After dinner than night, we were watching a movie. We were having snuggles on the couch, and i positioned myself purposely so i could see his phone when he got a message.
He got a message. From her.
I didnt read it all, but the part i read was "...just missing something"
He response was "me lol"
Her response was "smart cookie ;-)"
WTF?!?!?!
Luckily, like 2 seconds after that happened, i my phone went off, so i had an excuse to move and collect myself i guess.
So i messaged one of my friends what happened and to ask if i should confront him, even though i know it will start a fight.
Before she had a chance to reply, i'd already asked him.
Fuck me i wish i hadn't! I wish i just let it go, because the i'd still be able to call him mine :-(
I asked him if there was something that i should be worried about between him and this chick,
He of course, got upset, and pissed off because i'd basically accused him of cheating.
I explained my view, from the whole weekend, to the past couple of days and the lack of attention i got compared to the attention she was receiving.
Didnt matter.
Then it calmed down. It was still playing on my min, so i asked another question: could i read the messages.
Now, considering he has nothing to hide, he should've been quite happy for me to read them, so it could squash any doubt i had in my mind - right?
Wrong.
I asked, he told me to do what i want.
So i didnt read them :-(
Then he grabbed his shoes, and went for a walk. I called him a few minutes after he'd left, no answer. I wasnt surprised. I was more surprised that it connected! I figured he'd be on the phone to her or something.
So I sent him a text to come home.
Tried calling him again about half hour later, and he answered.
He said some things that made me cry, and it made me realised how i had completely just fucked our relationship up.
I called my mum in tears - what else is a girl meant to do?
He came back home when i was on the phone crying, so i pretty much hung up on mum so we could talk.
He said a few things, and then said he's sorry, but he can't do this anymore.
He cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesnt trust him.
He kept saying that i should know how loyal he is, and that if i knew that, then i shouldn't have even beein thinking those things!
He couldnt see it from my point of view, about how suss it looked. Just kept saying how loyal he is.
He even threw the "if the celebrity of my dreams came up and said lets fuck, i'd turn her down because i'm with you" card in my face.
Said it would've been easier for me to stab a knife into his heart and kill him then to ask him if he was cheating,
i told him i wasnt going to beg, but thats what i did. And i hate myself for it. I was trying anything i could to get him to realise the fucked up head space i'd been in the whole weekend, and for him to see it from my point of view and understand where i was coming from and admit if the roles were reversed he wouldnt like it!
But it didnt, he couldn't, he wouldn't.
He grabbed his phone and walked outside. He was on the verge of tears, i could see that. He called his mum, like anyone does i guess.
After he got off the phone he came inside crying, and said he's going to stay at a friends place that night, but will be back the next day to get his stuff.
He gave me a big hug, well, more put his armed around me and held me while i clung to him and begged him to stay, and gave me one last kiss.
Then left.
I sent a couple of messages to friends saying we just broke up, and i dont want to talk about it.
Turns out he sent a few messages to my friends to get them to call/message/come round to make sure i'm ok.
Then one of his friends called me.
She is sick - like really sick! - and drugged up to the fuck because of it.
I explained everything that happened (she already knew about the weekend) and even SHE - HIS FRIEND!!! - was saying how suss it sounds, and how she smells a fish, calling him every name under the sun and how she's going to tear shreds from him for treating me this way.
She tried to get my address from her because she wanted to come down that night (this was about 11pm).
I told her no way, because she was asleep when my ex bf messaged her, she is drugged to the fuck, and she needs to rest and get well!
She told me if i dont give it to her, she will call my ex, get it from him, yell at him and come down anyway.
So i sent him a message to him while still on teh phone to his friend, to tell him not to give her my number and why.
The fuckwit replied with "i can if you want. do you want me to give it to her?"
Uh... NO! I just messaged you to fucking tell you not to! Retard.
No, i didnt say that to him, but seriously! lol
So his friend and i hung up. it was obvious i wasnt getting any sleep that night, so i sent a message to my boss and her told i wont be in on Friday, and why.
Spoke to mum again, cried with mum again, and then hung up coz his friend was calling me again. She told me she got my address, and i got so pissed off about it. I specifically asked him not to, and he gave it to her!
Its not coz i dont want her to know where i live, its coz i didnt want her driving down in the middle of the night when she should be at home resting.
His friend told me she spoke to him, didnt learn anything new, tried to get him to see it from my point, he still wouldn't.
Needless to say, i barely got any sleep that night.
Friday i was exhausted. I barely slept, i had barely eaten, and i was starving but the thought of food was making me feel sick.
A friend asked me if i wanted her to visit, i told her i wouldn't be very good company, but i would like that.
I told her i was scared for when he came round to get his stuff, in case he hadn't changed his mind
Lunch time came, and as soon as i opened the door i fell into her arms and cried.
After i'd composed myself, i ran her through the last few nights events.
She said it seemed weird, and she would've done the EXACT same thing with her bf - in fact, when they moved out together she did one better. She outright asked him who he was cheating on her with!
She was here, and we were having a few laughs, and then i would get upset again, and we'd go over it.
Then he arrived to get his stuff - with the friend that put him up for the night. I'm really not a fan of her so i wasnt impressed she was there (dont worry, i knew nothing would ever happen. An elephant looks like its anorexic compared to her, and she's more of a boy then some boys i know!)
My friend asked if i wanted her to go, i told her no.
He came inside to ask where his bike keys were. I pointed to the heater, where i had put all of his stuff, so he wouldnt have to be here longer than needed.
After he'd loaded his bike, he came in to get his stuff.
I asked if we could talk. His response was cold, and said there is nothing to talk about.
I started to get a little angry and upset and kinda yelled a bit saying "we've been together for 4 years, and you wont even give me 5minutes!?"
He walked out.
My friend told me to go out there and ask him again, give it one more go. By this time i was yelling and i knew he could hear. I was yelling saying there's no fucking point, he wont listen, he doenst want to talk, its not going to change anything.
My friend had to go back to work, and met him outside of the door to say goodbye, and to ask him one more time if he's talk to me.
He said he'd think about it, but was going to say goodbye either way.
When we was ready to go, he came in to return my spare car key which was on his key ring.
He squatted down next to me, and explained that he needs a few days to think about things and to have some space. I apologised for insulting him by asking him if there was something going on, but he still refused to see it from my view. He reckons he wouldve been happy for me!
Pigs fucking arse!!
He said he'd call me in a few days when things have calmed down for both of us.
I told him i just want to sort it out now, because i was scared that if he drove off we wouldnt have a reason to talk, and being so far away we might not be able to sort it out.
He told me we'll still talk.
I made him promise me he'd let me know when he got back to his house, just so i knew he made it home safely. Normally it annoys me when he lets me know, but this time i needed to know incase he was crying while driving or something.
After he left, i felt strangely calm. I guess because i was so worked up about him coming round to get his stuff, that once it was over there was nothing but relief.
I dozed off on the couch for about an hour, only to be woken up by a friend of his at the door.
He said he'd gotten a text, and just wanted to make sure i was ok.
He gave me a hug, sat me down, made me a cup of tea, and explained that my ex is like him - he will just need a few days, and before i know it we'll be back together.
JB did make me feel better, and he said if i need anything, to call him. He's always been good like that.
My ex texted me to let me know he made it to his friends place (the one who spent most of Thursday night on the phone to me).
I thanked him for letting me know, and figured that would be the last time i hear from him for a while.
A few hours later i got a text from him, saying he made it home home. That one i wasnt expecting, so i didnt respond. He then sent me another, just to tell me he's transferred some money to me. That one i replied to, just thanks. He sent back no probs.
I went to a product testing survey thing at 5pm. Half an hour of my time, $40 gift card - thank you!
While i was there, his friend messaged me and let me know that he popped in on the way home, and that he seemed really depressed.
That made me so sad inside. So i'm walking through Chadstone shopping center, unsuccessfully fighting back tears.
I must've looked like a real bogan. Chaddy is filled with people in nice corporate wear, and here i am, wearing thongs, dirty jeans and a massive oversized jumped, crying.
I got to my car and sat there and cried for a bit before driving off.
I messaged her back, and asked her to keep an eye on him for me, and to make sure he's ok. She promised she would.
My cousins came over to get my mind off things Friday night. We watched a movie, and i fell asleep. I needed it. I woke up a few minutes before the end, and she left not long after. I went to bed, and slept the whole night, until 9:30 this morning. (Aside from a few text messages during the night that actually kinda scared me from my friend - glad your ok pumpkin!!)
Today i feel really good. I attempted to change the oil and the oil filter on my bike. My ex had planned to do it on friday for me. Mind you, that was before all the stuff happened. Needless to say when he came to get his stuff, i didnt ask, and he didnt offer :-P
I got the drain plug out no worries, and drain all the oil. But i couldn't crack the nut holding the filter in.
I needed a breaker bar.
I drove up to a shop that knows me through my ex, and have always looked after me.
I got there as they were literally locked the door and going home. I started crying because i wanted to prove to myself that i didnt need my ex to do my bike, that i could do it. And i couldn't.
Phil saw it was me, asked what i needed and told me to stop crying and come inside. Once inside, he gave me a hug and i told him we'd broken up.
He gave me another hug, and changed the subject to what i needed. He found a breaker bar for me, and said he'd already done the till, and just to return it in a few days. I thanked him so much, for not only looking after me today, but for always looking after me.
I went home... and its the wrong size drive for my socket! Not happy :-(
I'm hoping i can find somebody with a 17mm 1/2 inch drive socket tomorrow, otherwise i'll take the breaker bar back on monday, and probably have to pay for the correct size one.
Then i realised the worst part - my bike had no oil in it. I know its bad to start an engine with no oil, but i wasnt sure if just pushing it was ok.
I didnt want to ask JB< coz i felt i'd already hassled him enough earlier about the bike.
I grabbed my phone, and typed out a message to my ex. I didnt want to contact him. I want him to contact me.
But he is the only one i know that knows anything about bike. So he would know.
I didnt send it though. Instead i asked the world of fb. Luckily, i got an answer withing a few minutes, and he even had the same bike as me a few years back, and he said it was fine.
I was so relieved that i didnt need to ask my ex. I didnt want him to think i was using it as an excuse to contact him.
I came inside, watched part of a movie but fell asleep instead.
I've made a pact with myself that i will not call him, and i will not message him. No matter how much i want to.
I've also told myself that i will be staying away from fb. He rarely uses fb anyway, but i dont want to go on there, and see that i am no longer in a relationship with him.
According to the world of facebook, we're still together. I will leave that up to him to change it.
I'm looking forward to him calling me in a few days, but at the same time i'm dreading it. Because i doubt his mind will have changed.
I want him to miss me, and realise he still loves me, and wants to be with me and we can work this out.
Fuck, when it came out that i slept with his then best friend we didnt break up! He bought me a ring to prove he still loved me!
The worst part is, because he lives an hour and a half away and i only see him a few times throughout the month, it just feels like he's gone home and i'll see him next weekend.
It hasn't sunk in, and i know when it does thats when it will kill me.
We've been together for 4 years, on and off. When we originally got together, he told me that he has never gone out with the same girl twice, and he has never cheated on anyone.
He's gone out with me 3 times, and technically cheated on his gf when we got back together the last time.
On and off for 4 years, broken up 3 times, gotten back together 3 times, so there is still something there.
I just hope he realises it.
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