so surreal

I've technically been single for 2 nights now.
And it sucks.

My bf - sorry, my ex bf - came down on Wednesday.
Got to my place about 6. We ended up going to bed about 11ish.
In those 5 hours that he was awake down her, he managed to message of one the people he'd spent the whole weekend with.
So i'm thinking to myself, "why is it, that he can message someone he barely knows in the space of 5 hours, then he has spoken to me in the past 5 days!"
The chick he was messaging was driving back to NSW with her mum, her son and her sister. Its not like my ex bf needed to continually message her to keep her awake - she wasn't alone in the car. And if he was messaging her to keep her awake while driving, then he shouldn't be doing that either!
I need more than 2 hands to count the number of times he's yelled at me for texting while i'm driving.
I admit he was also messaging other people, but call it womens intuition, i knew majority of the messages were to and from her.

Thursday i went to work, and was back at home and in bed by 8am.
We went for a bike ride together, and had lunch, and went and got some oil so he could do an oil change on my bike.
It was a great day.
Aside from the constant messaging - again.
Just pissed me off that he is messaging her more than he did me.

After dinner than night, we were watching a movie. We were having snuggles on the couch, and i positioned myself purposely so i could see his phone when he got a message.
He got a message. From her.
I didnt read it all, but the part i read was "...just missing something"
He response was "me lol"
Her response was "smart cookie ;-)"
WTF?!?!?!

Luckily, like 2 seconds after that happened, i my phone went off, so i had an excuse to move and collect myself i guess.
So i messaged one of my friends what happened and to ask if i should confront him, even though i know it will start a fight.
Before she had a chance to reply, i'd already asked him.
Fuck me i wish i hadn't! I wish i just let it go, because the i'd still be able to call him mine :-(

I asked him if there was something that i should be worried about between him and this chick,
He of course, got upset, and pissed off because i'd basically accused him of cheating.
I explained my view, from the whole weekend, to the past couple of days and the lack of attention i got compared to the attention she was receiving.
Didnt matter.
Then it calmed down. It was still playing on my min, so i asked another question: could i read the messages.
Now, considering he has nothing to hide, he should've been quite happy for me to read them, so it could squash any doubt i had in my mind - right?
Wrong.
I asked, he told me to do what i want.
So i didnt read them :-(

Then he grabbed his shoes, and went for a walk. I called him a few minutes after he'd left, no answer. I wasnt surprised. I was more surprised that it connected! I figured he'd be on the phone to her or something.
So I sent him a text to come home.
Tried calling him again about half hour later, and he answered.
He said some things that made me cry, and it made me realised how i had completely just fucked our relationship up.

I called my mum in tears - what else is a girl meant to do?
He came back home when i was on the phone crying, so i pretty much hung up on mum so we could talk.
He said a few things, and then said he's sorry, but he can't do this anymore.
He cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesnt trust him.
He kept saying that i should know how loyal he is, and that if i knew that, then i shouldn't have even beein thinking those things!
He couldnt see it from my point of view, about how suss it looked. Just kept saying how loyal he is.
He even threw the "if the celebrity of my dreams came up and said lets fuck, i'd turn her down because i'm with you" card in my face.
Said it would've been easier for me to stab a knife into his heart and kill him then to ask him if he was cheating,
i told him i wasnt going to beg, but thats what i did. And i hate myself for it. I was trying anything i could to get him to realise the fucked up head space i'd been in the whole weekend, and for him to see it from my point of view and understand where i was coming from and admit if the roles were reversed he wouldnt like it!
But it didnt, he couldn't, he wouldn't.

He grabbed his phone and walked outside. He was on the verge of tears, i could see that. He called his mum, like anyone does i guess.
After he got off the phone he came inside crying, and said he's going to stay at a friends place that night, but will be back the next day to get his stuff.
He gave me a big hug, well, more put his armed around me and held me while i clung to him and begged him to stay, and gave me one last kiss.
Then left.

I sent a couple of messages to friends saying we just broke up, and i dont want to talk about it.
Turns out he sent a few messages to my friends to get them to call/message/come round to make sure i'm ok.
Then one of his friends called me.
She is sick - like really sick! - and drugged up to the fuck because of it.
I explained everything that happened (she already knew about the weekend) and even SHE - HIS FRIEND!!! - was saying how suss it sounds, and how she smells a fish, calling him every name under the sun and how she's going to tear shreds from him for treating me this way.
She tried to get my address from her because she wanted to come down that night (this was about 11pm).
I told her no way, because she was asleep when my ex bf messaged her, she is drugged to the fuck, and she needs to rest and get well!
She told me if i dont give it to her, she will call my ex, get it from him, yell at him and come down anyway.
So i sent him a message to him while still on teh phone to his friend, to tell him not to give her my number and why.
The fuckwit replied with "i can if you want. do you want me to give it to her?"
Uh... NO! I just messaged you to fucking tell you not to! Retard.
No, i didnt say that to him, but seriously! lol
So his friend and i hung up. it was obvious i wasnt getting any sleep that night, so i sent a message to my boss and her told i wont be in on Friday, and why.

Spoke to mum again, cried with mum again, and then hung up coz his friend was calling me again. She told me she got my address, and i got so pissed off about it. I specifically asked him not to, and he gave it to her!
Its not coz i dont want her to know where i live, its coz i didnt want her driving down in the middle of the night when she should be at home resting.
His friend told me she spoke to him, didnt learn anything new, tried to get him to see it from my point, he still wouldn't.
Needless to say, i barely got any sleep that night.

Friday i was exhausted. I barely slept, i had barely eaten, and i was starving but the thought of food was making me feel sick.
A friend asked me if i wanted her to visit, i told her i wouldn't be very good company, but i would like that.
I told her i was scared for when he came round to get his stuff, in case he hadn't changed his mind
Lunch time came, and as soon as i opened the door i fell into her arms and cried.
After i'd composed myself, i ran her through the last few nights events.
She said it seemed weird, and she would've done the EXACT same thing with her bf - in fact, when they moved out together she did one better. She outright asked him who he was cheating on her with!
She was here, and we were having a few laughs, and then i would get upset again, and we'd go over it.
Then he arrived to get his stuff - with the friend that put him up for the night. I'm really not a fan of her so i wasnt impressed she was there (dont worry, i knew nothing would ever happen. An elephant looks like its anorexic compared to her, and she's more of a boy then some boys i know!)
My friend asked if i wanted her to go, i told her no.
He came inside to ask where his bike keys were. I pointed to the heater, where i had put all of his stuff, so he wouldnt have to be here longer than needed.
After he'd loaded his bike, he came in to get his stuff.
I asked if we could talk. His response was cold, and said there is nothing to talk about.
I started to get a little angry and upset and kinda yelled a bit saying "we've been together for 4 years, and you wont even give me 5minutes!?"
He walked out.
My friend told me to go out there and ask him again, give it one more go. By this time i was yelling and i knew he could hear. I was yelling saying there's no fucking point, he wont listen, he doenst want to talk, its not going to change anything.
My friend had to go back to work, and met him outside of the door to say goodbye, and to ask him one more time if he's talk to me.
He said he'd think about it, but was going to say goodbye either way.
When we was ready to go, he came in to return my spare car key which was on his key ring.
He squatted down next to me, and explained that he needs a few days to think about things and to have some space. I apologised for insulting him by asking him if there was something going on, but he still refused to see it from my view. He reckons he wouldve been happy for me!
Pigs fucking arse!!
He said he'd call me in a few days when things have calmed down for both of us.
I told him i just want to sort it out now, because i was scared that if he drove off we wouldnt have a reason to talk, and being so far away we might not be able to sort it out.
He told me we'll still talk.
I made him promise me he'd let me know when he got back to his house, just so i knew he made it home safely. Normally it annoys me when he lets me know, but this time i needed to know incase he was crying while driving or something.
After he left, i felt strangely calm. I guess because i was so worked up about him coming round to get his stuff, that once it was over there was nothing but relief.
I dozed off on the couch for about an hour, only to be woken up by a friend of his at the door.
He said he'd gotten a text, and just wanted to make sure i was ok.
He gave me a hug, sat me down, made me a cup of tea, and explained that my ex is like him - he will just need a few days, and before i know it we'll be back together.
JB did make me feel better, and he said if i need anything, to call him. He's always been good like that.

My ex texted me to let me know he made it to his friends place (the one who spent most of Thursday night on the phone to me).
I thanked him for letting me know, and figured that would be the last time i hear from him for a while.
A few hours later i got a text from him, saying he made it home home. That one i wasnt expecting, so i didnt respond. He then sent me another, just to tell me he's transferred some money to me. That one i replied to, just thanks. He sent back no probs.

I went to a product testing survey thing at 5pm. Half an hour of my time, $40 gift card - thank you!
While i was there, his friend messaged me and let me know that he popped in on the way home, and that he seemed really depressed.
That made me so sad inside. So i'm walking through Chadstone shopping center, unsuccessfully  fighting back tears.
I must've looked like a real bogan. Chaddy is filled with people in nice corporate wear, and here i am, wearing thongs, dirty jeans and a massive oversized jumped, crying.
I got to my car and sat there and cried for a bit before driving off.
I messaged her back, and asked her to keep an eye on him for me, and to make sure he's ok. She promised she would.

My cousins came over to get my mind off things Friday night. We watched a movie, and i fell asleep. I needed it. I woke up a few minutes before the end, and she left not long after. I went to bed, and slept the whole night, until 9:30 this morning. (Aside from a few text messages during the night that actually kinda scared me from my friend - glad your ok pumpkin!!)

Today i feel really good. I attempted to change the oil and the oil filter on my bike. My ex had planned to do it on friday for me. Mind you, that was before all the stuff happened. Needless to say when he came to get his stuff, i didnt ask, and he didnt offer :-P

I got the drain plug out no worries, and drain all the oil. But i couldn't crack the nut holding the filter in.
I needed a breaker bar.
I drove up to a shop that knows me through my ex, and have always looked after me.
I got there as they were literally locked the door and going home. I started crying because i wanted to prove to myself that i didnt need my ex to do my bike, that i could do it. And i couldn't.
Phil saw it was me, asked what i needed and told me to stop crying and come inside. Once inside, he gave me a hug and i told him we'd broken up.
He gave me another hug, and changed the subject to what i needed. He found a breaker bar for me, and said he'd already done the till, and just to return it in a few days. I thanked him so much, for not only looking after me today, but for always looking after me.
I went home... and its the wrong size drive for my socket! Not happy :-(
I'm hoping i can find somebody with a 17mm 1/2 inch drive socket tomorrow, otherwise i'll take the breaker bar back on monday, and probably have to pay for the correct size one.

Then i realised the worst part - my bike had no oil in it. I know its bad to start an engine with no oil, but i wasnt sure if just pushing it was ok.
I didnt want to ask JB< coz i felt i'd already hassled him enough earlier about the bike.
I grabbed my phone, and typed out a message to my ex. I didnt want to contact him. I want him to contact me.
But he is the only one i know that knows anything about bike. So he would know.
I didnt send it though. Instead i asked the world of fb. Luckily, i got an answer withing a few minutes, and he even had the same bike as me a few years back, and he said it was fine.
I was so relieved that i didnt need to ask my ex. I didnt want him to think i was using it as an excuse to contact him.

I came inside, watched part of a movie but fell asleep instead.
I've made a pact with myself that i will not call him, and i will not message him. No matter how much i want to.
I've also told myself that i will be staying away from fb. He rarely uses fb anyway, but i dont want to go on there, and see that i am no longer in a relationship with him.
According to the world of facebook, we're still together. I will leave that up to him to change it.

I'm looking forward to him calling me in a few days, but at the same time i'm dreading it. Because i doubt his mind will have changed.
I want him to miss me, and realise he still loves me, and wants to be with me and we can work this out.
Fuck, when it came out that i slept with his then best friend we didnt break up! He bought me a ring to prove he still loved me!

The worst part is, because he lives an hour and a half away and i only see him a few times throughout the month, it just feels like he's gone home and i'll see him next weekend.
It hasn't sunk in, and i know when it does thats when it will kill me.

We've been together for 4 years, on and off. When we originally got together, he told me that he has never gone out with the same girl twice, and he has never cheated on anyone.
He's gone out with me 3 times, and technically cheated on his gf when we got back together the last time.

On and off for 4 years, broken up 3 times, gotten back together 3 times, so there is still something there.
I just hope he realises it.