....in the head

This weekend has gone from bad, to worse to completely fucked in the head!

I was meant to go up to my bf's place and stay the night of Saturday, and come home on Sunday.
I foster cats, and 1 of my fosters had a meeting with a potential owner, so i told my bf i may have to come home earlier than planned on Sunday because of that.
He was cool with it.

Friday was good. Aside from being COMPLETELY tired, i did catch up with one of the most amazing people in the whole wide world, and if i was a lesbian i would so have a crush on her (yes, she is probably reading this, please note all of the above is sarcasm, although she is pretty ace :-))
Anyway, so i'm at my friends house, where her and her fiance have put on a BBQ for their friends. Huge amounts of food, and the best meat flavoured vegetarian burger i've had in a long time! (Cudo's to the engaged :-P)
While there, my bf calls me and suggest that perhaps i should stay at home this weekend.
Because of the meet and greet, and he knew money is a little tight for me right now, he thought it would be better if i stayed home, and plus his work is shutting down for a week, so he'll be down on Tuesday and go home next weekend.
As bummed as i was about not seeing him, it made sense.
I had an early-ish night on Friday, and went home, watched an episode of something and passed out coz i was exhausted.


Now, my bf's mum hasnt spoken to me for nearly 5 months (roughly). She didnt speak to me all of January, which suited me fine, but then decided to be friends again, then she went to Wagga, and got the shits with me again, and hasnt spoken. Whatevs.
Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday night, and begin to think.
Which i shouldn't do.
I started to think - and i was so sure i was right! - that  perhaps it wasnt HIM that didnt want me there this weekend, it was HER and she asked him to "suggest" i dont come down, and spoil the fun i guess  (his mum's best friend and her kids were down, so they were all having catch ups).
So i started to get pissed off, and angry and hurt and just plain grrrr!!


Saturday was good. Cleaned the house, went for a ride on my bike, had a good day. Kept getting messages and heytells from my bf, which was lovely.
The meet and greet with my foster kitten was cancelled, so i could go up to my bf's place.
On rolls Saturday night - which is when it started.

I'm not one for going on, never really have been. Honestly, as lame as it sounds i'd rather be at home curled up with someone i love, or having a few friends over, or even just reading a book. But thats just me.
So i was watching a few episodes of Teen Mom. Its been about a year since the girls had their babies, and one of the couples decided to adopt their daughter out. This hit me, because a couple years ago i had an abortion, and it was fricking hard. So i have great respect for the mother who was able to carry her baby, give birth, and hand it to someone else to raise.
So that episode hit me hard, and i just wanted to see my bf.
I sent him a private message via fb, and a text, and got nothing back.
I went on fb, and saw that my bf had been tagged in a few pictures.
So i guess i felt a little hurt that instead of having me there, he was having what looked like a ball.
So that made me sad.

I managed to wait until 10:30 on Sunday before messaging my bf, just to see how he was going. No answer. Sent him a heytell a few hours later. Again, no response.
Finally got a text saying he's busy and will call me when he's free.
So i waited - and waited - and waited.
Finally called me.... at 8pm!
By this stage i was so worked up and so sure it was his evil mothers doing that i wasnt up there that weekend, so when he finally did call, i asked him.
He said that wasnt the case, explained why he suggested it. There was more to the call, but i wont bore you with it.
The whole call took about 5minutes, in which i'd managed to bawl my eyes out multiple times.
He said he'd call me later.
I went to bed, without a second phone call :-(

Monday he called me at work, and i pretty much got off the phone as quick as i could, coz i was still feeling miserable, and knew if i spoke to him i would get worked up again and start to cry.
So i sent him a text explaining that i felt hurt, and angry and how i just needed him to cheer me up this weekend. He has a knack for doing that, just by talking to me.
I figured i'd piss him off with the text i sent, and his response was basically saying he'll talk to me after work coz he knows i dont like to discuss things whilst at work.
So i took my phone, went outside and called him. And cried. and calmed down after he talked to me.
I went back inside feeling loved again, and not neglected :-)
That night i sent him 2 heytells, didnt get a reponse, and went to bed at 8:30, coz i was completely fucked.
Tuesday morning, i sent him a message at about 7am, asking if he knew what time he was meant to finish work.
No answer. So i called him about 8:30am. Turns out i woke him up!
He stayed at his Aunt's place agian, because they had a big bonfire the night before.
So of course, that got me upset again.
I started to think that perhaps this was the end of us, and it hurt. Made me feel sick to my stomach.
I ended up leaving work at 11:30, sent him a message and told him i'm at home if he wants to talk.
He rang me, assured me we're fine. We had a really good talk, and i felt really good once we got off the phone.
He said he'll see how he feels about coming down tonight (he was hung over to the shit). I told him i really really really need to see him, so i was sure he was going to follow through and come down.
5pm, i texted him, guessing it will be tomorrow. I guessed right.

At 6:30, my i am so fucked in my head right now, that i literally backed a bag and was ready to drive an hour and a half to see him. To spend maybe 2 hours or so awake with him, and then get up and leave by 5am, to make it to work on time back in Melbourne.
That is how much i want - need - to see him right now.
He ended up calling after i sent a message explaining what i wanted to do.
I bawled my eyes out like a 2year old, and i still just want to cry now.
I know it isnt rational for me to go up tonight, so i'm staying at home.
I just needed to get into him mind how much i need some right now for some reason. I though if i sent that message, he'd change his mind and come down tonight.
No deal.

I guess with everything that happened on the weekend (and i'm sure i missed parts, or parts havent made sense coz i'm still worked up and not going to proof read - sorry) i just need to know he still loves me and cares for me, and wants to be with me and isnt neglecting me. I just need to feel loved :-(

I still feel sick to my stomach, contemplating taking tomorrow off too. I know i should see how i feel, but i know i will need something to help me sleep tonight.
I am so worked up, and i cant help it, and i'm crying again :-(
i just want him. here. with me :-(

(i am also due for my period, but i skipped it it this month, as my bf will be down here while i have it, so perhaps thats why i'm fucked in the head right now?)

I just want to be able to re-do this weekend again, and not feel this way.

i hate being me sometimes. and this is one of those times :-(

***EDIT: also, in my fucked-up-ness, my brain started to think things like "what if he's cheating on me and that why he didnt want me there, or answered my calls/texts"
I hate my brain