So, i found out my ex is getting a house with his new gf.
You know, the one he cheated on when he got back with me, the one he went back to after a month of breaking up with me.
To say i was gutted was an understatement.
We were together 4.5years, and he didnt want to commit to getting a place.
When he mum was diagnosed with breast caner, and his grandmother was dying, i was going to interviews up there to be closer to everyone so i could move up there.
He didnt want to get a place.
When i suggested looking at Pakenham (half way between both of us), he said no coz its too far to travel. I only suggested Pakky coz i knew how much he needed to get out of his sisters place. But he wanted to buy a house, and didnt want to even start looking for another 2 years until we'd both paid off our car loans - or the majority of it at least.
So i was hurt. Really hurt.
They get the keys on the 11th of November.
The only solace i have is knowing that living with someone full time is much different to living with someone part time, and i hope they fight like cats and dogs and break up because of it.
When i spoke to him on the phone about it, he is STILL maintaining it is MY FAULT we broke up because i asked him if something happened, even though HE GAVE ME EVERY reason to think something did happened with the way he treated me that weekend - even he admits he treated me like absolute rat shit, but cant explain why.
So fuck him, fuck his skanky STD riddled slut and i hope i never heard from him again.
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Saturday, 29 October 2011
Frick
Frick. Frick. Frick. Frick. Frick. Frick.
And in case you missed it - FRICK!
Woke up yesterday to discover that my ex, who has only been my ex for 2 months and a couple of days, was in an engaged relationship.
OK, well not him, but the tramp he is with changed her status to engaged, and all the comments that followed she wasnt denying it. He is still at single status, because he doesnt want the world to know his business (personally i think its coz he's ashamed to be with her - she is butt fuck ugly!!)
Anyway, finding that out hurt. Hurt really bad. Worse then when we broke up.
I gave him 4.5years of my life, and he STILL wasnt ready to get a house together. I was planning on MOVING back down to where i moved from to be with him, and he STILL wasnt ready to get a house together.
So i was hurt that he was engaged to this fugly tip-rate (Thanks JB! <3) after being with her for a total of about 5months (over the space of 2.5 years).
So i messaged him, nothing nasty. Just telling him i'd like the rest of my money before he goes ahead and gets a house and makes the biggest mistake of his life by marrying not only the rebound, but also the chick he cheated on with me.
Got a message a few hours later saying it was a test, ad it worked. He wanted to see who it was that was telling everyone shit.
Told him it was a mutual friend of mine and the skank. He reckons they went through her friends and narrowed it down to a few people - none of which is the person that is the mutual friend i was talking about.
So anyway, i put on a brave face coz i was at my besties house, and one of her friends that i dont know that well was over.
Came home, couldnt stop thinking about it. Started drinking.
A friends friend managed to keep me distracted for a while, and we've decided we're going to swap brains for a bit. Just need to figure out how to do it.....
So after being drunk, i messaged him again, coz i knew he was at work.
Nothing nasty. Just more along the line of oping he is happy the wedding will be small coz his family doesnt approve, hoping his happy his children will never have grandparents, hoping he's happy she is not welcome anywhere when it comes to his family, hoping he's happy and he and i can no longer have a civil conversation anymore, just stuff like that.
Just trying to really make him think that perhaps this relationship isnt the best one for him.
In saying that, a huge part of me doesnt want him back, and never will and barely wants to talk to him. But another huge part of me wants him to be happy, whatever he decides, and another huge part of me does want him back.
I am in too many parts :-(
Anyway, we messaged, he told me i should stop drinking and go to bed, so i responded with a message that i hoped made him laugh, coz i laughed while sending it.
It was just "You cant tell me what to do.. shush. go to work :-P" or something equally as childish.
I didnt hear from him again.
I went to bed.
Then got a phone call.
His ex best friend (the one that i slept with previously). Havent heard from him in AGES, and then out of the blue he calls him.
Wants to know if he can come over. I know i should say no, i know i should go back to sleep. But instead, i find myself telling him to bring something to mix with vodka with him.
He arrived, baring juice. Good boy.
We have a couple of drinks, and go to bed. I try to resist, but in my drunken state it didnt work so well.
Next morning i wake up to him giving me a back massage (OMG... heaven!!!!) and hearing him whispering "I love you"
I make some mumble/groan sound to indicate i'm semi sleeping still, and then he lays it on me: Would i ever consider being in a relationship with him, even after everything that has happened?
WTF!!!?!??!?!?
This is the guy who denied we ever slept together (and now i can understand why), and did everything he could to prove that i was lying (to the point of even making up a fake hacking transcript of my telephone records to prove i got someone to lie to me) - he even began to make me paranoid that i was lying when i know i wasnt!!
What he did could've broken up my relationship with my bf, and his family, and lost me somewhere to live (i was living with them when it came out).
So even after all that, and us not talking in ages, and the fact he has a girlfriend, and he STILL asks me!
So i cried a little. Told him there was a time when i thought we would've been together, and that was going back 5years, when we first met. But not he's my Logi Bear - a really really close friend (just one i never talk to anymore...)
I rolled over, and ignored him. Ignored his attempts to get me to talk to him, ignored his attempts to get me to kiss him, ignored his attempts to get me to do anything with him.. and it was hard!
But somehow i managed, coz he left after an hour or so of trying.
The whole time he was here i had Gotye's "Someboody I Used To Know" running through my head, and i kept thinking about my ex and his "fiance"
Now, i think i will clean the shit out of the house, and change my sheets, and vacuum and mop, and clean teh fish tank and cook to make myself feel better and take my mind off things.
Although i do have a reminder of last night - a hicky on the side of my neck, the size of a $5 note.... that has been folded once or twice.
At least i got out with my face in tact - i swear he was trying to eat it each time he went to kiss me.
Worst. Kisser. Ever.
FML
***Edit: It has now been confirmed that my x is NOT engaged.
He told me last night. Although, like i told him with all the lies he'd fed me lately i'm not too sure what is the truth and whats not when it comes from his mouth"
And in case you missed it - FRICK!
Woke up yesterday to discover that my ex, who has only been my ex for 2 months and a couple of days, was in an engaged relationship.
OK, well not him, but the tramp he is with changed her status to engaged, and all the comments that followed she wasnt denying it. He is still at single status, because he doesnt want the world to know his business (personally i think its coz he's ashamed to be with her - she is butt fuck ugly!!)
Anyway, finding that out hurt. Hurt really bad. Worse then when we broke up.
I gave him 4.5years of my life, and he STILL wasnt ready to get a house together. I was planning on MOVING back down to where i moved from to be with him, and he STILL wasnt ready to get a house together.
So i was hurt that he was engaged to this fugly tip-rate (Thanks JB! <3) after being with her for a total of about 5months (over the space of 2.5 years).
So i messaged him, nothing nasty. Just telling him i'd like the rest of my money before he goes ahead and gets a house and makes the biggest mistake of his life by marrying not only the rebound, but also the chick he cheated on with me.
Got a message a few hours later saying it was a test, ad it worked. He wanted to see who it was that was telling everyone shit.
Told him it was a mutual friend of mine and the skank. He reckons they went through her friends and narrowed it down to a few people - none of which is the person that is the mutual friend i was talking about.
So anyway, i put on a brave face coz i was at my besties house, and one of her friends that i dont know that well was over.
Came home, couldnt stop thinking about it. Started drinking.
A friends friend managed to keep me distracted for a while, and we've decided we're going to swap brains for a bit. Just need to figure out how to do it.....
So after being drunk, i messaged him again, coz i knew he was at work.
Nothing nasty. Just more along the line of oping he is happy the wedding will be small coz his family doesnt approve, hoping his happy his children will never have grandparents, hoping he's happy she is not welcome anywhere when it comes to his family, hoping he's happy and he and i can no longer have a civil conversation anymore, just stuff like that.
Just trying to really make him think that perhaps this relationship isnt the best one for him.
In saying that, a huge part of me doesnt want him back, and never will and barely wants to talk to him. But another huge part of me wants him to be happy, whatever he decides, and another huge part of me does want him back.
I am in too many parts :-(
Anyway, we messaged, he told me i should stop drinking and go to bed, so i responded with a message that i hoped made him laugh, coz i laughed while sending it.
It was just "You cant tell me what to do.. shush. go to work :-P" or something equally as childish.
I didnt hear from him again.
I went to bed.
Then got a phone call.
His ex best friend (the one that i slept with previously). Havent heard from him in AGES, and then out of the blue he calls him.
Wants to know if he can come over. I know i should say no, i know i should go back to sleep. But instead, i find myself telling him to bring something to mix with vodka with him.
He arrived, baring juice. Good boy.
We have a couple of drinks, and go to bed. I try to resist, but in my drunken state it didnt work so well.
Next morning i wake up to him giving me a back massage (OMG... heaven!!!!) and hearing him whispering "I love you"
I make some mumble/groan sound to indicate i'm semi sleeping still, and then he lays it on me: Would i ever consider being in a relationship with him, even after everything that has happened?
WTF!!!?!??!?!?
This is the guy who denied we ever slept together (and now i can understand why), and did everything he could to prove that i was lying (to the point of even making up a fake hacking transcript of my telephone records to prove i got someone to lie to me) - he even began to make me paranoid that i was lying when i know i wasnt!!
What he did could've broken up my relationship with my bf, and his family, and lost me somewhere to live (i was living with them when it came out).
So even after all that, and us not talking in ages, and the fact he has a girlfriend, and he STILL asks me!
So i cried a little. Told him there was a time when i thought we would've been together, and that was going back 5years, when we first met. But not he's my Logi Bear - a really really close friend (just one i never talk to anymore...)
I rolled over, and ignored him. Ignored his attempts to get me to talk to him, ignored his attempts to get me to kiss him, ignored his attempts to get me to do anything with him.. and it was hard!
But somehow i managed, coz he left after an hour or so of trying.
The whole time he was here i had Gotye's "Someboody I Used To Know" running through my head, and i kept thinking about my ex and his "fiance"
Now, i think i will clean the shit out of the house, and change my sheets, and vacuum and mop, and clean teh fish tank and cook to make myself feel better and take my mind off things.
Although i do have a reminder of last night - a hicky on the side of my neck, the size of a $5 note.... that has been folded once or twice.
At least i got out with my face in tact - i swear he was trying to eat it each time he went to kiss me.
Worst. Kisser. Ever.
FML
***Edit: It has now been confirmed that my x is NOT engaged.
He told me last night. Although, like i told him with all the lies he'd fed me lately i'm not too sure what is the truth and whats not when it comes from his mouth"
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
me
I've read a few blogs.
Some are funny. Some are boring. Some are collections of things close to the blogger.
But the ones that i like the most are the ones that the person seems to open up completely and bare their soul.
So that is something i am now going to attempt.
In the past, i have been completely shit at doing this. I hate talking about myself, or any topic that i feel uncomfortable about.
I clam up, feel awkward, and no matter what i do i cannot open up.
Someone who has been my best friend (for now about 14 years) only found out something about me because if i didnt tell her, she was going to see for herself and that scared the crap out of me.
So i told her, and it was one of the hardest things i had to do. I was so self conscious (and still am). She was wonderful about it, like i knew she would be and didnt make me feel horrible, or stupid or like a leper.
She understood how hard it was for me to open up, but it still really pisses me off that i cant open up completely because my head is fucked up :-(
Because i cant seem to be able to open up to people (no matter how hard i want to!), i havent experienced as much as someone my age might.
And i find myself lying to make up for it.
Back when i was a teenager, i could've fooled around with guys, but me being me didnt. There were offers of fooling around in the spa, leaving the pub to go home with a guy (a guy who seemed to love the taste of my ear wax, and make sure my arse had a print of his hand), doing stuff in the coolroom while at work, but i turned them all down.
Hell, the first time i touched a penis i made some bullshit excuse and left, before i really even got started coz i knew where it would lead but i didnt want to. Not coz i didnt want to, but because i was scared and didnt know what to do (he was a few years older.... like, grew up with my brother who is 8 years older than me older :-P) and self conscious i guess.
I even told my best friend (the same one of 14 years) that i did do a few things, just so i didnt seem like a complete idiot i guess.
There is only 1 person in this world who knows me. The real me. Who knows what scares me, what makes me cry, the biggest fears i have in the world, my dreams.
And he broke my heart nearly 3 weeks ago.
God it was so hard for me to open up to him!
We had issues for a while because of it. He kept saying i never let him in, but i was. i was trying my hardest, and he was so patient with me and finally broke down my barriers.
I was still never completely open with him, as much as i tried to be.
There were still barriers i had up that i didnt realise. He did everything he could to make me comfortable, and make me realise and understand, but i couldnt do it.
I tried my hardest, and in the end it wasnt enough i guess.
i know i havent opened up in this post, but its a start i hope.
I'm hoping i can open up on here, because there are only 3 people who follow this (and probably 0 who read it :-P)
I read a friends blog and i am so proud of her for writing what she does. i think if it were me i wouldnt be able to do it. But i'm trying to change that.
Some are funny. Some are boring. Some are collections of things close to the blogger.
But the ones that i like the most are the ones that the person seems to open up completely and bare their soul.
So that is something i am now going to attempt.
In the past, i have been completely shit at doing this. I hate talking about myself, or any topic that i feel uncomfortable about.
I clam up, feel awkward, and no matter what i do i cannot open up.
Someone who has been my best friend (for now about 14 years) only found out something about me because if i didnt tell her, she was going to see for herself and that scared the crap out of me.
So i told her, and it was one of the hardest things i had to do. I was so self conscious (and still am). She was wonderful about it, like i knew she would be and didnt make me feel horrible, or stupid or like a leper.
She understood how hard it was for me to open up, but it still really pisses me off that i cant open up completely because my head is fucked up :-(
Because i cant seem to be able to open up to people (no matter how hard i want to!), i havent experienced as much as someone my age might.
And i find myself lying to make up for it.
Back when i was a teenager, i could've fooled around with guys, but me being me didnt. There were offers of fooling around in the spa, leaving the pub to go home with a guy (a guy who seemed to love the taste of my ear wax, and make sure my arse had a print of his hand), doing stuff in the coolroom while at work, but i turned them all down.
Hell, the first time i touched a penis i made some bullshit excuse and left, before i really even got started coz i knew where it would lead but i didnt want to. Not coz i didnt want to, but because i was scared and didnt know what to do (he was a few years older.... like, grew up with my brother who is 8 years older than me older :-P) and self conscious i guess.
I even told my best friend (the same one of 14 years) that i did do a few things, just so i didnt seem like a complete idiot i guess.
There is only 1 person in this world who knows me. The real me. Who knows what scares me, what makes me cry, the biggest fears i have in the world, my dreams.
And he broke my heart nearly 3 weeks ago.
God it was so hard for me to open up to him!
We had issues for a while because of it. He kept saying i never let him in, but i was. i was trying my hardest, and he was so patient with me and finally broke down my barriers.
I was still never completely open with him, as much as i tried to be.
There were still barriers i had up that i didnt realise. He did everything he could to make me comfortable, and make me realise and understand, but i couldnt do it.
I tried my hardest, and in the end it wasnt enough i guess.
i know i havent opened up in this post, but its a start i hope.
I'm hoping i can open up on here, because there are only 3 people who follow this (and probably 0 who read it :-P)
I read a friends blog and i am so proud of her for writing what she does. i think if it were me i wouldnt be able to do it. But i'm trying to change that.
Friday, 2 September 2011
FML
2 weeks ago i was happy.
i was counting the hours down until i got to see my bf.
now i'm depressed.
and i'm counting the hours down until Monday so i can go back to work and be distracted.
FML
i was counting the hours down until i got to see my bf.
now i'm depressed.
and i'm counting the hours down until Monday so i can go back to work and be distracted.
FML
Saturday, 27 August 2011
ray of hope
I told myself i would stay off facebook.
Mainly because i dont want to see everything he's been up to, and how happy he is.
I want him to hurt and be sad like i am.
I want him to fight back tears when he thinks of me, like i do when i think of him.
But even though i promised myself i wouldn't look at facebook, i have. many times.
The thing i look at most if the bit that says "... in a relationship with..."
Right now, we're still in a relationship.
Either because he can't figure out how to change it, or because he hasnt been on a computer to be able to change it, or because he is avoiding facebook like i am, or because there is a big part of him that was just angry and said what he said because he was hurting, and because he still wants to be with me.
I'm putting all my money on the last one. Because he wants to be with me still.
I just hope i dont lose big time :-(
Mainly because i dont want to see everything he's been up to, and how happy he is.
I want him to hurt and be sad like i am.
I want him to fight back tears when he thinks of me, like i do when i think of him.
But even though i promised myself i wouldn't look at facebook, i have. many times.
The thing i look at most if the bit that says "... in a relationship with..."
Right now, we're still in a relationship.
Either because he can't figure out how to change it, or because he hasnt been on a computer to be able to change it, or because he is avoiding facebook like i am, or because there is a big part of him that was just angry and said what he said because he was hurting, and because he still wants to be with me.
I'm putting all my money on the last one. Because he wants to be with me still.
I just hope i dont lose big time :-(
*sad face*
I want to talk to him.
There is so much that i want to tell him, that has happened in the past couple of days.
But i'm not going to.
Just wish i had someone to talk to, the way i used to talk with him.
I've not only lost my boyfriend, but also one of my best friends.
:-(
There is so much that i want to tell him, that has happened in the past couple of days.
But i'm not going to.
Just wish i had someone to talk to, the way i used to talk with him.
I've not only lost my boyfriend, but also one of my best friends.
:-(
so surreal
I've technically been single for 2 nights now.
And it sucks.
My bf - sorry, my ex bf - came down on Wednesday.
Got to my place about 6. We ended up going to bed about 11ish.
In those 5 hours that he was awake down her, he managed to message of one the people he'd spent the whole weekend with.
So i'm thinking to myself, "why is it, that he can message someone he barely knows in the space of 5 hours, then he has spoken to me in the past 5 days!"
The chick he was messaging was driving back to NSW with her mum, her son and her sister. Its not like my ex bf needed to continually message her to keep her awake - she wasn't alone in the car. And if he was messaging her to keep her awake while driving, then he shouldn't be doing that either!
I need more than 2 hands to count the number of times he's yelled at me for texting while i'm driving.
I admit he was also messaging other people, but call it womens intuition, i knew majority of the messages were to and from her.
Thursday i went to work, and was back at home and in bed by 8am.
We went for a bike ride together, and had lunch, and went and got some oil so he could do an oil change on my bike.
It was a great day.
Aside from the constant messaging - again.
Just pissed me off that he is messaging her more than he did me.
After dinner than night, we were watching a movie. We were having snuggles on the couch, and i positioned myself purposely so i could see his phone when he got a message.
He got a message. From her.
I didnt read it all, but the part i read was "...just missing something"
He response was "me lol"
Her response was "smart cookie ;-)"
WTF?!?!?!
Luckily, like 2 seconds after that happened, i my phone went off, so i had an excuse to move and collect myself i guess.
So i messaged one of my friends what happened and to ask if i should confront him, even though i know it will start a fight.
Before she had a chance to reply, i'd already asked him.
Fuck me i wish i hadn't! I wish i just let it go, because the i'd still be able to call him mine :-(
I asked him if there was something that i should be worried about between him and this chick,
He of course, got upset, and pissed off because i'd basically accused him of cheating.
I explained my view, from the whole weekend, to the past couple of days and the lack of attention i got compared to the attention she was receiving.
Didnt matter.
Then it calmed down. It was still playing on my min, so i asked another question: could i read the messages.
Now, considering he has nothing to hide, he should've been quite happy for me to read them, so it could squash any doubt i had in my mind - right?
Wrong.
I asked, he told me to do what i want.
So i didnt read them :-(
Then he grabbed his shoes, and went for a walk. I called him a few minutes after he'd left, no answer. I wasnt surprised. I was more surprised that it connected! I figured he'd be on the phone to her or something.
So I sent him a text to come home.
Tried calling him again about half hour later, and he answered.
He said some things that made me cry, and it made me realised how i had completely just fucked our relationship up.
I called my mum in tears - what else is a girl meant to do?
He came back home when i was on the phone crying, so i pretty much hung up on mum so we could talk.
He said a few things, and then said he's sorry, but he can't do this anymore.
He cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesnt trust him.
He kept saying that i should know how loyal he is, and that if i knew that, then i shouldn't have even beein thinking those things!
He couldnt see it from my point of view, about how suss it looked. Just kept saying how loyal he is.
He even threw the "if the celebrity of my dreams came up and said lets fuck, i'd turn her down because i'm with you" card in my face.
Said it would've been easier for me to stab a knife into his heart and kill him then to ask him if he was cheating,
i told him i wasnt going to beg, but thats what i did. And i hate myself for it. I was trying anything i could to get him to realise the fucked up head space i'd been in the whole weekend, and for him to see it from my point of view and understand where i was coming from and admit if the roles were reversed he wouldnt like it!
But it didnt, he couldn't, he wouldn't.
He grabbed his phone and walked outside. He was on the verge of tears, i could see that. He called his mum, like anyone does i guess.
After he got off the phone he came inside crying, and said he's going to stay at a friends place that night, but will be back the next day to get his stuff.
He gave me a big hug, well, more put his armed around me and held me while i clung to him and begged him to stay, and gave me one last kiss.
Then left.
I sent a couple of messages to friends saying we just broke up, and i dont want to talk about it.
Turns out he sent a few messages to my friends to get them to call/message/come round to make sure i'm ok.
Then one of his friends called me.
She is sick - like really sick! - and drugged up to the fuck because of it.
I explained everything that happened (she already knew about the weekend) and even SHE - HIS FRIEND!!! - was saying how suss it sounds, and how she smells a fish, calling him every name under the sun and how she's going to tear shreds from him for treating me this way.
She tried to get my address from her because she wanted to come down that night (this was about 11pm).
I told her no way, because she was asleep when my ex bf messaged her, she is drugged to the fuck, and she needs to rest and get well!
She told me if i dont give it to her, she will call my ex, get it from him, yell at him and come down anyway.
So i sent him a message to him while still on teh phone to his friend, to tell him not to give her my number and why.
The fuckwit replied with "i can if you want. do you want me to give it to her?"
Uh... NO! I just messaged you to fucking tell you not to! Retard.
No, i didnt say that to him, but seriously! lol
So his friend and i hung up. it was obvious i wasnt getting any sleep that night, so i sent a message to my boss and her told i wont be in on Friday, and why.
Spoke to mum again, cried with mum again, and then hung up coz his friend was calling me again. She told me she got my address, and i got so pissed off about it. I specifically asked him not to, and he gave it to her!
Its not coz i dont want her to know where i live, its coz i didnt want her driving down in the middle of the night when she should be at home resting.
His friend told me she spoke to him, didnt learn anything new, tried to get him to see it from my point, he still wouldn't.
Needless to say, i barely got any sleep that night.
Friday i was exhausted. I barely slept, i had barely eaten, and i was starving but the thought of food was making me feel sick.
A friend asked me if i wanted her to visit, i told her i wouldn't be very good company, but i would like that.
I told her i was scared for when he came round to get his stuff, in case he hadn't changed his mind
Lunch time came, and as soon as i opened the door i fell into her arms and cried.
After i'd composed myself, i ran her through the last few nights events.
She said it seemed weird, and she would've done the EXACT same thing with her bf - in fact, when they moved out together she did one better. She outright asked him who he was cheating on her with!
She was here, and we were having a few laughs, and then i would get upset again, and we'd go over it.
Then he arrived to get his stuff - with the friend that put him up for the night. I'm really not a fan of her so i wasnt impressed she was there (dont worry, i knew nothing would ever happen. An elephant looks like its anorexic compared to her, and she's more of a boy then some boys i know!)
My friend asked if i wanted her to go, i told her no.
He came inside to ask where his bike keys were. I pointed to the heater, where i had put all of his stuff, so he wouldnt have to be here longer than needed.
After he'd loaded his bike, he came in to get his stuff.
I asked if we could talk. His response was cold, and said there is nothing to talk about.
I started to get a little angry and upset and kinda yelled a bit saying "we've been together for 4 years, and you wont even give me 5minutes!?"
He walked out.
My friend told me to go out there and ask him again, give it one more go. By this time i was yelling and i knew he could hear. I was yelling saying there's no fucking point, he wont listen, he doenst want to talk, its not going to change anything.
My friend had to go back to work, and met him outside of the door to say goodbye, and to ask him one more time if he's talk to me.
He said he'd think about it, but was going to say goodbye either way.
When we was ready to go, he came in to return my spare car key which was on his key ring.
He squatted down next to me, and explained that he needs a few days to think about things and to have some space. I apologised for insulting him by asking him if there was something going on, but he still refused to see it from my view. He reckons he wouldve been happy for me!
Pigs fucking arse!!
He said he'd call me in a few days when things have calmed down for both of us.
I told him i just want to sort it out now, because i was scared that if he drove off we wouldnt have a reason to talk, and being so far away we might not be able to sort it out.
He told me we'll still talk.
I made him promise me he'd let me know when he got back to his house, just so i knew he made it home safely. Normally it annoys me when he lets me know, but this time i needed to know incase he was crying while driving or something.
After he left, i felt strangely calm. I guess because i was so worked up about him coming round to get his stuff, that once it was over there was nothing but relief.
I dozed off on the couch for about an hour, only to be woken up by a friend of his at the door.
He said he'd gotten a text, and just wanted to make sure i was ok.
He gave me a hug, sat me down, made me a cup of tea, and explained that my ex is like him - he will just need a few days, and before i know it we'll be back together.
JB did make me feel better, and he said if i need anything, to call him. He's always been good like that.
My ex texted me to let me know he made it to his friends place (the one who spent most of Thursday night on the phone to me).
I thanked him for letting me know, and figured that would be the last time i hear from him for a while.
A few hours later i got a text from him, saying he made it home home. That one i wasnt expecting, so i didnt respond. He then sent me another, just to tell me he's transferred some money to me. That one i replied to, just thanks. He sent back no probs.
I went to a product testing survey thing at 5pm. Half an hour of my time, $40 gift card - thank you!
While i was there, his friend messaged me and let me know that he popped in on the way home, and that he seemed really depressed.
That made me so sad inside. So i'm walking through Chadstone shopping center, unsuccessfully fighting back tears.
I must've looked like a real bogan. Chaddy is filled with people in nice corporate wear, and here i am, wearing thongs, dirty jeans and a massive oversized jumped, crying.
I got to my car and sat there and cried for a bit before driving off.
I messaged her back, and asked her to keep an eye on him for me, and to make sure he's ok. She promised she would.
My cousins came over to get my mind off things Friday night. We watched a movie, and i fell asleep. I needed it. I woke up a few minutes before the end, and she left not long after. I went to bed, and slept the whole night, until 9:30 this morning. (Aside from a few text messages during the night that actually kinda scared me from my friend - glad your ok pumpkin!!)
Today i feel really good. I attempted to change the oil and the oil filter on my bike. My ex had planned to do it on friday for me. Mind you, that was before all the stuff happened. Needless to say when he came to get his stuff, i didnt ask, and he didnt offer :-P
I got the drain plug out no worries, and drain all the oil. But i couldn't crack the nut holding the filter in.
I needed a breaker bar.
I drove up to a shop that knows me through my ex, and have always looked after me.
I got there as they were literally locked the door and going home. I started crying because i wanted to prove to myself that i didnt need my ex to do my bike, that i could do it. And i couldn't.
Phil saw it was me, asked what i needed and told me to stop crying and come inside. Once inside, he gave me a hug and i told him we'd broken up.
He gave me another hug, and changed the subject to what i needed. He found a breaker bar for me, and said he'd already done the till, and just to return it in a few days. I thanked him so much, for not only looking after me today, but for always looking after me.
I went home... and its the wrong size drive for my socket! Not happy :-(
I'm hoping i can find somebody with a 17mm 1/2 inch drive socket tomorrow, otherwise i'll take the breaker bar back on monday, and probably have to pay for the correct size one.
Then i realised the worst part - my bike had no oil in it. I know its bad to start an engine with no oil, but i wasnt sure if just pushing it was ok.
I didnt want to ask JB< coz i felt i'd already hassled him enough earlier about the bike.
I grabbed my phone, and typed out a message to my ex. I didnt want to contact him. I want him to contact me.
But he is the only one i know that knows anything about bike. So he would know.
I didnt send it though. Instead i asked the world of fb. Luckily, i got an answer withing a few minutes, and he even had the same bike as me a few years back, and he said it was fine.
I was so relieved that i didnt need to ask my ex. I didnt want him to think i was using it as an excuse to contact him.
I came inside, watched part of a movie but fell asleep instead.
I've made a pact with myself that i will not call him, and i will not message him. No matter how much i want to.
I've also told myself that i will be staying away from fb. He rarely uses fb anyway, but i dont want to go on there, and see that i am no longer in a relationship with him.
According to the world of facebook, we're still together. I will leave that up to him to change it.
I'm looking forward to him calling me in a few days, but at the same time i'm dreading it. Because i doubt his mind will have changed.
I want him to miss me, and realise he still loves me, and wants to be with me and we can work this out.
Fuck, when it came out that i slept with his then best friend we didnt break up! He bought me a ring to prove he still loved me!
The worst part is, because he lives an hour and a half away and i only see him a few times throughout the month, it just feels like he's gone home and i'll see him next weekend.
It hasn't sunk in, and i know when it does thats when it will kill me.
We've been together for 4 years, on and off. When we originally got together, he told me that he has never gone out with the same girl twice, and he has never cheated on anyone.
He's gone out with me 3 times, and technically cheated on his gf when we got back together the last time.
On and off for 4 years, broken up 3 times, gotten back together 3 times, so there is still something there.
I just hope he realises it.
And it sucks.
My bf - sorry, my ex bf - came down on Wednesday.
Got to my place about 6. We ended up going to bed about 11ish.
In those 5 hours that he was awake down her, he managed to message of one the people he'd spent the whole weekend with.
So i'm thinking to myself, "why is it, that he can message someone he barely knows in the space of 5 hours, then he has spoken to me in the past 5 days!"
The chick he was messaging was driving back to NSW with her mum, her son and her sister. Its not like my ex bf needed to continually message her to keep her awake - she wasn't alone in the car. And if he was messaging her to keep her awake while driving, then he shouldn't be doing that either!
I need more than 2 hands to count the number of times he's yelled at me for texting while i'm driving.
I admit he was also messaging other people, but call it womens intuition, i knew majority of the messages were to and from her.
Thursday i went to work, and was back at home and in bed by 8am.
We went for a bike ride together, and had lunch, and went and got some oil so he could do an oil change on my bike.
It was a great day.
Aside from the constant messaging - again.
Just pissed me off that he is messaging her more than he did me.
After dinner than night, we were watching a movie. We were having snuggles on the couch, and i positioned myself purposely so i could see his phone when he got a message.
He got a message. From her.
I didnt read it all, but the part i read was "...just missing something"
He response was "me lol"
Her response was "smart cookie ;-)"
WTF?!?!?!
Luckily, like 2 seconds after that happened, i my phone went off, so i had an excuse to move and collect myself i guess.
So i messaged one of my friends what happened and to ask if i should confront him, even though i know it will start a fight.
Before she had a chance to reply, i'd already asked him.
Fuck me i wish i hadn't! I wish i just let it go, because the i'd still be able to call him mine :-(
I asked him if there was something that i should be worried about between him and this chick,
He of course, got upset, and pissed off because i'd basically accused him of cheating.
I explained my view, from the whole weekend, to the past couple of days and the lack of attention i got compared to the attention she was receiving.
Didnt matter.
Then it calmed down. It was still playing on my min, so i asked another question: could i read the messages.
Now, considering he has nothing to hide, he should've been quite happy for me to read them, so it could squash any doubt i had in my mind - right?
Wrong.
I asked, he told me to do what i want.
So i didnt read them :-(
Then he grabbed his shoes, and went for a walk. I called him a few minutes after he'd left, no answer. I wasnt surprised. I was more surprised that it connected! I figured he'd be on the phone to her or something.
So I sent him a text to come home.
Tried calling him again about half hour later, and he answered.
He said some things that made me cry, and it made me realised how i had completely just fucked our relationship up.
I called my mum in tears - what else is a girl meant to do?
He came back home when i was on the phone crying, so i pretty much hung up on mum so we could talk.
He said a few things, and then said he's sorry, but he can't do this anymore.
He cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesnt trust him.
He kept saying that i should know how loyal he is, and that if i knew that, then i shouldn't have even beein thinking those things!
He couldnt see it from my point of view, about how suss it looked. Just kept saying how loyal he is.
He even threw the "if the celebrity of my dreams came up and said lets fuck, i'd turn her down because i'm with you" card in my face.
Said it would've been easier for me to stab a knife into his heart and kill him then to ask him if he was cheating,
i told him i wasnt going to beg, but thats what i did. And i hate myself for it. I was trying anything i could to get him to realise the fucked up head space i'd been in the whole weekend, and for him to see it from my point of view and understand where i was coming from and admit if the roles were reversed he wouldnt like it!
But it didnt, he couldn't, he wouldn't.
He grabbed his phone and walked outside. He was on the verge of tears, i could see that. He called his mum, like anyone does i guess.
After he got off the phone he came inside crying, and said he's going to stay at a friends place that night, but will be back the next day to get his stuff.
He gave me a big hug, well, more put his armed around me and held me while i clung to him and begged him to stay, and gave me one last kiss.
Then left.
I sent a couple of messages to friends saying we just broke up, and i dont want to talk about it.
Turns out he sent a few messages to my friends to get them to call/message/come round to make sure i'm ok.
Then one of his friends called me.
She is sick - like really sick! - and drugged up to the fuck because of it.
I explained everything that happened (she already knew about the weekend) and even SHE - HIS FRIEND!!! - was saying how suss it sounds, and how she smells a fish, calling him every name under the sun and how she's going to tear shreds from him for treating me this way.
She tried to get my address from her because she wanted to come down that night (this was about 11pm).
I told her no way, because she was asleep when my ex bf messaged her, she is drugged to the fuck, and she needs to rest and get well!
She told me if i dont give it to her, she will call my ex, get it from him, yell at him and come down anyway.
So i sent him a message to him while still on teh phone to his friend, to tell him not to give her my number and why.
The fuckwit replied with "i can if you want. do you want me to give it to her?"
Uh... NO! I just messaged you to fucking tell you not to! Retard.
No, i didnt say that to him, but seriously! lol
So his friend and i hung up. it was obvious i wasnt getting any sleep that night, so i sent a message to my boss and her told i wont be in on Friday, and why.
Spoke to mum again, cried with mum again, and then hung up coz his friend was calling me again. She told me she got my address, and i got so pissed off about it. I specifically asked him not to, and he gave it to her!
Its not coz i dont want her to know where i live, its coz i didnt want her driving down in the middle of the night when she should be at home resting.
His friend told me she spoke to him, didnt learn anything new, tried to get him to see it from my point, he still wouldn't.
Needless to say, i barely got any sleep that night.
Friday i was exhausted. I barely slept, i had barely eaten, and i was starving but the thought of food was making me feel sick.
A friend asked me if i wanted her to visit, i told her i wouldn't be very good company, but i would like that.
I told her i was scared for when he came round to get his stuff, in case he hadn't changed his mind
Lunch time came, and as soon as i opened the door i fell into her arms and cried.
After i'd composed myself, i ran her through the last few nights events.
She said it seemed weird, and she would've done the EXACT same thing with her bf - in fact, when they moved out together she did one better. She outright asked him who he was cheating on her with!
She was here, and we were having a few laughs, and then i would get upset again, and we'd go over it.
Then he arrived to get his stuff - with the friend that put him up for the night. I'm really not a fan of her so i wasnt impressed she was there (dont worry, i knew nothing would ever happen. An elephant looks like its anorexic compared to her, and she's more of a boy then some boys i know!)
My friend asked if i wanted her to go, i told her no.
He came inside to ask where his bike keys were. I pointed to the heater, where i had put all of his stuff, so he wouldnt have to be here longer than needed.
After he'd loaded his bike, he came in to get his stuff.
I asked if we could talk. His response was cold, and said there is nothing to talk about.
I started to get a little angry and upset and kinda yelled a bit saying "we've been together for 4 years, and you wont even give me 5minutes!?"
He walked out.
My friend told me to go out there and ask him again, give it one more go. By this time i was yelling and i knew he could hear. I was yelling saying there's no fucking point, he wont listen, he doenst want to talk, its not going to change anything.
My friend had to go back to work, and met him outside of the door to say goodbye, and to ask him one more time if he's talk to me.
He said he'd think about it, but was going to say goodbye either way.
When we was ready to go, he came in to return my spare car key which was on his key ring.
He squatted down next to me, and explained that he needs a few days to think about things and to have some space. I apologised for insulting him by asking him if there was something going on, but he still refused to see it from my view. He reckons he wouldve been happy for me!
Pigs fucking arse!!
He said he'd call me in a few days when things have calmed down for both of us.
I told him i just want to sort it out now, because i was scared that if he drove off we wouldnt have a reason to talk, and being so far away we might not be able to sort it out.
He told me we'll still talk.
I made him promise me he'd let me know when he got back to his house, just so i knew he made it home safely. Normally it annoys me when he lets me know, but this time i needed to know incase he was crying while driving or something.
After he left, i felt strangely calm. I guess because i was so worked up about him coming round to get his stuff, that once it was over there was nothing but relief.
I dozed off on the couch for about an hour, only to be woken up by a friend of his at the door.
He said he'd gotten a text, and just wanted to make sure i was ok.
He gave me a hug, sat me down, made me a cup of tea, and explained that my ex is like him - he will just need a few days, and before i know it we'll be back together.
JB did make me feel better, and he said if i need anything, to call him. He's always been good like that.
My ex texted me to let me know he made it to his friends place (the one who spent most of Thursday night on the phone to me).
I thanked him for letting me know, and figured that would be the last time i hear from him for a while.
A few hours later i got a text from him, saying he made it home home. That one i wasnt expecting, so i didnt respond. He then sent me another, just to tell me he's transferred some money to me. That one i replied to, just thanks. He sent back no probs.
I went to a product testing survey thing at 5pm. Half an hour of my time, $40 gift card - thank you!
While i was there, his friend messaged me and let me know that he popped in on the way home, and that he seemed really depressed.
That made me so sad inside. So i'm walking through Chadstone shopping center, unsuccessfully fighting back tears.
I must've looked like a real bogan. Chaddy is filled with people in nice corporate wear, and here i am, wearing thongs, dirty jeans and a massive oversized jumped, crying.
I got to my car and sat there and cried for a bit before driving off.
I messaged her back, and asked her to keep an eye on him for me, and to make sure he's ok. She promised she would.
My cousins came over to get my mind off things Friday night. We watched a movie, and i fell asleep. I needed it. I woke up a few minutes before the end, and she left not long after. I went to bed, and slept the whole night, until 9:30 this morning. (Aside from a few text messages during the night that actually kinda scared me from my friend - glad your ok pumpkin!!)
Today i feel really good. I attempted to change the oil and the oil filter on my bike. My ex had planned to do it on friday for me. Mind you, that was before all the stuff happened. Needless to say when he came to get his stuff, i didnt ask, and he didnt offer :-P
I got the drain plug out no worries, and drain all the oil. But i couldn't crack the nut holding the filter in.
I needed a breaker bar.
I drove up to a shop that knows me through my ex, and have always looked after me.
I got there as they were literally locked the door and going home. I started crying because i wanted to prove to myself that i didnt need my ex to do my bike, that i could do it. And i couldn't.
Phil saw it was me, asked what i needed and told me to stop crying and come inside. Once inside, he gave me a hug and i told him we'd broken up.
He gave me another hug, and changed the subject to what i needed. He found a breaker bar for me, and said he'd already done the till, and just to return it in a few days. I thanked him so much, for not only looking after me today, but for always looking after me.
I went home... and its the wrong size drive for my socket! Not happy :-(
I'm hoping i can find somebody with a 17mm 1/2 inch drive socket tomorrow, otherwise i'll take the breaker bar back on monday, and probably have to pay for the correct size one.
Then i realised the worst part - my bike had no oil in it. I know its bad to start an engine with no oil, but i wasnt sure if just pushing it was ok.
I didnt want to ask JB< coz i felt i'd already hassled him enough earlier about the bike.
I grabbed my phone, and typed out a message to my ex. I didnt want to contact him. I want him to contact me.
But he is the only one i know that knows anything about bike. So he would know.
I didnt send it though. Instead i asked the world of fb. Luckily, i got an answer withing a few minutes, and he even had the same bike as me a few years back, and he said it was fine.
I was so relieved that i didnt need to ask my ex. I didnt want him to think i was using it as an excuse to contact him.
I came inside, watched part of a movie but fell asleep instead.
I've made a pact with myself that i will not call him, and i will not message him. No matter how much i want to.
I've also told myself that i will be staying away from fb. He rarely uses fb anyway, but i dont want to go on there, and see that i am no longer in a relationship with him.
According to the world of facebook, we're still together. I will leave that up to him to change it.
I'm looking forward to him calling me in a few days, but at the same time i'm dreading it. Because i doubt his mind will have changed.
I want him to miss me, and realise he still loves me, and wants to be with me and we can work this out.
Fuck, when it came out that i slept with his then best friend we didnt break up! He bought me a ring to prove he still loved me!
The worst part is, because he lives an hour and a half away and i only see him a few times throughout the month, it just feels like he's gone home and i'll see him next weekend.
It hasn't sunk in, and i know when it does thats when it will kill me.
We've been together for 4 years, on and off. When we originally got together, he told me that he has never gone out with the same girl twice, and he has never cheated on anyone.
He's gone out with me 3 times, and technically cheated on his gf when we got back together the last time.
On and off for 4 years, broken up 3 times, gotten back together 3 times, so there is still something there.
I just hope he realises it.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
make it stop!
it hurts. it hurts. it hurts so bad.
i just want it all to be a horrible horrible dream :-(
i just want it all to be a horrible horrible dream :-(
Tuesday, 23 August 2011
....in the head
This weekend has gone from bad, to worse to completely fucked in the head!
I was meant to go up to my bf's place and stay the night of Saturday, and come home on Sunday.
I foster cats, and 1 of my fosters had a meeting with a potential owner, so i told my bf i may have to come home earlier than planned on Sunday because of that.
He was cool with it.
Friday was good. Aside from being COMPLETELY tired, i did catch up with one of the most amazing people in the whole wide world, and if i was a lesbian i would so have a crush on her (yes, she is probably reading this, please note all of the above is sarcasm, although she is pretty ace :-))
Anyway, so i'm at my friends house, where her and her fiance have put on a BBQ for their friends. Huge amounts of food, and the best meat flavoured vegetarian burger i've had in a long time! (Cudo's to the engaged :-P)
While there, my bf calls me and suggest that perhaps i should stay at home this weekend.
Because of the meet and greet, and he knew money is a little tight for me right now, he thought it would be better if i stayed home, and plus his work is shutting down for a week, so he'll be down on Tuesday and go home next weekend.
As bummed as i was about not seeing him, it made sense.
I had an early-ish night on Friday, and went home, watched an episode of something and passed out coz i was exhausted.
Now, my bf's mum hasnt spoken to me for nearly 5 months (roughly). She didnt speak to me all of January, which suited me fine, but then decided to be friends again, then she went to Wagga, and got the shits with me again, and hasnt spoken. Whatevs.
Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday night, and begin to think.
Which i shouldn't do.
I started to think - and i was so sure i was right! - that perhaps it wasnt HIM that didnt want me there this weekend, it was HER and she asked him to "suggest" i dont come down, and spoil the fun i guess (his mum's best friend and her kids were down, so they were all having catch ups).
So i started to get pissed off, and angry and hurt and just plain grrrr!!
Saturday was good. Cleaned the house, went for a ride on my bike, had a good day. Kept getting messages and heytells from my bf, which was lovely.
The meet and greet with my foster kitten was cancelled, so i could go up to my bf's place.
On rolls Saturday night - which is when it started.
I'm not one for going on, never really have been. Honestly, as lame as it sounds i'd rather be at home curled up with someone i love, or having a few friends over, or even just reading a book. But thats just me.
So i was watching a few episodes of Teen Mom. Its been about a year since the girls had their babies, and one of the couples decided to adopt their daughter out. This hit me, because a couple years ago i had an abortion, and it was fricking hard. So i have great respect for the mother who was able to carry her baby, give birth, and hand it to someone else to raise.
So that episode hit me hard, and i just wanted to see my bf.
I sent him a private message via fb, and a text, and got nothing back.
I went on fb, and saw that my bf had been tagged in a few pictures.
So i guess i felt a little hurt that instead of having me there, he was having what looked like a ball.
So that made me sad.
I managed to wait until 10:30 on Sunday before messaging my bf, just to see how he was going. No answer. Sent him a heytell a few hours later. Again, no response.
Finally got a text saying he's busy and will call me when he's free.
So i waited - and waited - and waited.
Finally called me.... at 8pm!
By this stage i was so worked up and so sure it was his evil mothers doing that i wasnt up there that weekend, so when he finally did call, i asked him.
He said that wasnt the case, explained why he suggested it. There was more to the call, but i wont bore you with it.
The whole call took about 5minutes, in which i'd managed to bawl my eyes out multiple times.
He said he'd call me later.
I went to bed, without a second phone call :-(
Monday he called me at work, and i pretty much got off the phone as quick as i could, coz i was still feeling miserable, and knew if i spoke to him i would get worked up again and start to cry.
So i sent him a text explaining that i felt hurt, and angry and how i just needed him to cheer me up this weekend. He has a knack for doing that, just by talking to me.
I figured i'd piss him off with the text i sent, and his response was basically saying he'll talk to me after work coz he knows i dont like to discuss things whilst at work.
So i took my phone, went outside and called him. And cried. and calmed down after he talked to me.
I went back inside feeling loved again, and not neglected :-)
That night i sent him 2 heytells, didnt get a reponse, and went to bed at 8:30, coz i was completely fucked.
Tuesday morning, i sent him a message at about 7am, asking if he knew what time he was meant to finish work.
No answer. So i called him about 8:30am. Turns out i woke him up!
He stayed at his Aunt's place agian, because they had a big bonfire the night before.
So of course, that got me upset again.
I started to think that perhaps this was the end of us, and it hurt. Made me feel sick to my stomach.
I ended up leaving work at 11:30, sent him a message and told him i'm at home if he wants to talk.
He rang me, assured me we're fine. We had a really good talk, and i felt really good once we got off the phone.
He said he'll see how he feels about coming down tonight (he was hung over to the shit). I told him i really really really need to see him, so i was sure he was going to follow through and come down.
5pm, i texted him, guessing it will be tomorrow. I guessed right.
At 6:30, my i am so fucked in my head right now, that i literally backed a bag and was ready to drive an hour and a half to see him. To spend maybe 2 hours or so awake with him, and then get up and leave by 5am, to make it to work on time back in Melbourne.
That is how much i want - need - to see him right now.
He ended up calling after i sent a message explaining what i wanted to do.
I bawled my eyes out like a 2year old, and i still just want to cry now.
I know it isnt rational for me to go up tonight, so i'm staying at home.
I just needed to get into him mind how much i need some right now for some reason. I though if i sent that message, he'd change his mind and come down tonight.
No deal.
I guess with everything that happened on the weekend (and i'm sure i missed parts, or parts havent made sense coz i'm still worked up and not going to proof read - sorry) i just need to know he still loves me and cares for me, and wants to be with me and isnt neglecting me. I just need to feel loved :-(
I still feel sick to my stomach, contemplating taking tomorrow off too. I know i should see how i feel, but i know i will need something to help me sleep tonight.
I am so worked up, and i cant help it, and i'm crying again :-(
i just want him. here. with me :-(
(i am also due for my period, but i skipped it it this month, as my bf will be down here while i have it, so perhaps thats why i'm fucked in the head right now?)
I just want to be able to re-do this weekend again, and not feel this way.
i hate being me sometimes. and this is one of those times :-(
***EDIT: also, in my fucked-up-ness, my brain started to think things like "what if he's cheating on me and that why he didnt want me there, or answered my calls/texts"
I hate my brain
I was meant to go up to my bf's place and stay the night of Saturday, and come home on Sunday.
I foster cats, and 1 of my fosters had a meeting with a potential owner, so i told my bf i may have to come home earlier than planned on Sunday because of that.
He was cool with it.
Friday was good. Aside from being COMPLETELY tired, i did catch up with one of the most amazing people in the whole wide world, and if i was a lesbian i would so have a crush on her (yes, she is probably reading this, please note all of the above is sarcasm, although she is pretty ace :-))
Anyway, so i'm at my friends house, where her and her fiance have put on a BBQ for their friends. Huge amounts of food, and the best meat flavoured vegetarian burger i've had in a long time! (Cudo's to the engaged :-P)
While there, my bf calls me and suggest that perhaps i should stay at home this weekend.
Because of the meet and greet, and he knew money is a little tight for me right now, he thought it would be better if i stayed home, and plus his work is shutting down for a week, so he'll be down on Tuesday and go home next weekend.
As bummed as i was about not seeing him, it made sense.
I had an early-ish night on Friday, and went home, watched an episode of something and passed out coz i was exhausted.
Now, my bf's mum hasnt spoken to me for nearly 5 months (roughly). She didnt speak to me all of January, which suited me fine, but then decided to be friends again, then she went to Wagga, and got the shits with me again, and hasnt spoken. Whatevs.
Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday night, and begin to think.
Which i shouldn't do.
I started to think - and i was so sure i was right! - that perhaps it wasnt HIM that didnt want me there this weekend, it was HER and she asked him to "suggest" i dont come down, and spoil the fun i guess (his mum's best friend and her kids were down, so they were all having catch ups).
So i started to get pissed off, and angry and hurt and just plain grrrr!!
Saturday was good. Cleaned the house, went for a ride on my bike, had a good day. Kept getting messages and heytells from my bf, which was lovely.
The meet and greet with my foster kitten was cancelled, so i could go up to my bf's place.
On rolls Saturday night - which is when it started.
I'm not one for going on, never really have been. Honestly, as lame as it sounds i'd rather be at home curled up with someone i love, or having a few friends over, or even just reading a book. But thats just me.
So i was watching a few episodes of Teen Mom. Its been about a year since the girls had their babies, and one of the couples decided to adopt their daughter out. This hit me, because a couple years ago i had an abortion, and it was fricking hard. So i have great respect for the mother who was able to carry her baby, give birth, and hand it to someone else to raise.
So that episode hit me hard, and i just wanted to see my bf.
I sent him a private message via fb, and a text, and got nothing back.
I went on fb, and saw that my bf had been tagged in a few pictures.
So i guess i felt a little hurt that instead of having me there, he was having what looked like a ball.
So that made me sad.
I managed to wait until 10:30 on Sunday before messaging my bf, just to see how he was going. No answer. Sent him a heytell a few hours later. Again, no response.
Finally got a text saying he's busy and will call me when he's free.
So i waited - and waited - and waited.
Finally called me.... at 8pm!
By this stage i was so worked up and so sure it was his evil mothers doing that i wasnt up there that weekend, so when he finally did call, i asked him.
He said that wasnt the case, explained why he suggested it. There was more to the call, but i wont bore you with it.
The whole call took about 5minutes, in which i'd managed to bawl my eyes out multiple times.
He said he'd call me later.
I went to bed, without a second phone call :-(
Monday he called me at work, and i pretty much got off the phone as quick as i could, coz i was still feeling miserable, and knew if i spoke to him i would get worked up again and start to cry.
So i sent him a text explaining that i felt hurt, and angry and how i just needed him to cheer me up this weekend. He has a knack for doing that, just by talking to me.
I figured i'd piss him off with the text i sent, and his response was basically saying he'll talk to me after work coz he knows i dont like to discuss things whilst at work.
So i took my phone, went outside and called him. And cried. and calmed down after he talked to me.
I went back inside feeling loved again, and not neglected :-)
That night i sent him 2 heytells, didnt get a reponse, and went to bed at 8:30, coz i was completely fucked.
Tuesday morning, i sent him a message at about 7am, asking if he knew what time he was meant to finish work.
No answer. So i called him about 8:30am. Turns out i woke him up!
He stayed at his Aunt's place agian, because they had a big bonfire the night before.
So of course, that got me upset again.
I started to think that perhaps this was the end of us, and it hurt. Made me feel sick to my stomach.
I ended up leaving work at 11:30, sent him a message and told him i'm at home if he wants to talk.
He rang me, assured me we're fine. We had a really good talk, and i felt really good once we got off the phone.
He said he'll see how he feels about coming down tonight (he was hung over to the shit). I told him i really really really need to see him, so i was sure he was going to follow through and come down.
5pm, i texted him, guessing it will be tomorrow. I guessed right.
At 6:30, my i am so fucked in my head right now, that i literally backed a bag and was ready to drive an hour and a half to see him. To spend maybe 2 hours or so awake with him, and then get up and leave by 5am, to make it to work on time back in Melbourne.
That is how much i want - need - to see him right now.
He ended up calling after i sent a message explaining what i wanted to do.
I bawled my eyes out like a 2year old, and i still just want to cry now.
I know it isnt rational for me to go up tonight, so i'm staying at home.
I just needed to get into him mind how much i need some right now for some reason. I though if i sent that message, he'd change his mind and come down tonight.
No deal.
I guess with everything that happened on the weekend (and i'm sure i missed parts, or parts havent made sense coz i'm still worked up and not going to proof read - sorry) i just need to know he still loves me and cares for me, and wants to be with me and isnt neglecting me. I just need to feel loved :-(
I still feel sick to my stomach, contemplating taking tomorrow off too. I know i should see how i feel, but i know i will need something to help me sleep tonight.
I am so worked up, and i cant help it, and i'm crying again :-(
i just want him. here. with me :-(
(i am also due for my period, but i skipped it it this month, as my bf will be down here while i have it, so perhaps thats why i'm fucked in the head right now?)
I just want to be able to re-do this weekend again, and not feel this way.
i hate being me sometimes. and this is one of those times :-(
***EDIT: also, in my fucked-up-ness, my brain started to think things like "what if he's cheating on me and that why he didnt want me there, or answered my calls/texts"
I hate my brain
Saturday, 20 August 2011
20/08/2011
Not the worlds biggest fan of mushroom, but i know they're good for me. Especially being vegetarian.
So tonight i made a yummy dinner, a slight variation on something i used to make for my family when i decided to make dinner as a kid.
So simple and quick to make.
So here it is, creamy bacon and mushroom carbonara.
Except this one is made with not-bacon, a heap of mushroom and some spring onions i needed to use up.
Still tastes great!!
It took a little longer to make then when i was a kid, but that was only due to the fact i also made the pasta.
Homemade pasta is the bestest!
Friday, 19 August 2011
Veruca
People look at me like I'm a retard when I tell them the names of my cars, or my laptop or even the names of the fish I used to have!
I like giving my things names.
Although, I admit calling my tetra fish "Tetra 1", "Tetra 2", "Tetra 3", "Tetra 4", and "Tetra 5" didnt take as much brain power as some may think.
I got slack towards the end. But seriously, how are you meant to tell them apart?
Its like that stupid cranberry ad, where the guy points out the cranberry that was just nominated cranberry of the month... or was it that one?
Stupid!
Anyway, my latest addition is called Veruca.
Why?
Because my bike Veruca is named after the character Veruca Salt, from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
I have been telling everyone its because in the movie its because Veruca blows up into a blueberry, and my bike reminds me of that because its blue, but i lie.
After doing a bit of research (and by that, i mean downloading said movie and watching it coz its awesome and i havent seen it in ages!) its actually Violet that turn into a blue berry!
And my bike really isnt a Violet in my eye.
So Veruca it is.
I like giving my things names.
Although, I admit calling my tetra fish "Tetra 1", "Tetra 2", "Tetra 3", "Tetra 4", and "Tetra 5" didnt take as much brain power as some may think.
I got slack towards the end. But seriously, how are you meant to tell them apart?
Its like that stupid cranberry ad, where the guy points out the cranberry that was just nominated cranberry of the month... or was it that one?
Stupid!
Anyway, my latest addition is called Veruca.
Why?
Because my bike Veruca is named after the character Veruca Salt, from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
I have been telling everyone its because in the movie its because Veruca blows up into a blueberry, and my bike reminds me of that because its blue, but i lie.
After doing a bit of research (and by that, i mean downloading said movie and watching it coz its awesome and i havent seen it in ages!) its actually Violet that turn into a blue berry!
And my bike really isnt a Violet in my eye.
So Veruca it is.
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
You can't change the past
Its amazing what a good night's sleep does for you - even when aided by a sleeping tablet or 2.
When I went to bed last night, I didnt cry myself to sleep, although i easily could've if I wanted to.
My bf and i didnt so much have a fight, but i did get upset.
Alot.
A few years ago my bf has a best friend who we will call Yogi Bear.
A best friend is an understatement - i'd say more a brother.
Yogi and i were REALLY close, and he's come round to my place without y bf being in tow.
It was always me, my bf, yogi and his gf against the world.
So my bf and i broke up, and Yogi and his gf broke up - and we slept together.
It was never spoken of again.
Then my bf and i got back together, and Yogi got himself a new gf, and things were peachy again.
Until Yogi's gf was diagnosed with chlamydia. My bf said something to me that got me paranoid, and made em think that Yogi was the carrier of it.
So i told my bf there is a chance it could be chlamydia, because when we were broken up Yogi and I slept together.
Well - did shit hit the fan or what!!
My bf confronted Yogi about it, who outright denied it and called me a lying slut (among other things), and then he turned a little psycho..
(Yogi works in IT, and got his current job by hacking into his network, and his boss told him to be the IT guy to stop arseholes like him from hacking in and accessing the info -so basally, by hacking he got his job).
Yogi denied it happened, called me a liar, even faked an IT hack (which he printed out "as proof").
Except his one mistake there was that he did "the hack" into 3 telephone network, and i'm on Optus. Always have been.
He was so conceivable that even i began to doubt myself!
My bf called Miss Bitch Face to ask who it was i slept with - she admitted it was Yogi.
Things were very rocky for a long time - i'd ruined the relationship that Yogi had with my bf, and with my bf's family.
Also ruined the relationship that my bf and i had, and the relationship with my bf''s family.
Yogi had been around for a very long time, and compared to him i had only just come on the scene, so it made sense that i wasn't believed 100%.
To this day, it is still a "he said, she said" and my bf has put it behind us and we've moved on, although it is always there.
When my bf moved away (another time when we were broken up) i sent Yogi a message via facebook to say i forgive him for what happened, i'm sorry for telling my bf etc etc.
He called me not long after, and organised for me to go to his work that night to talk about it.
I was shit scared when i arrived, and he could see that. We ended up getting Macca's for dinner, and going back to my place to keep talking.
He left his sun glasses at my place.
My bf found them when he came down once, and i told him that Yogi came round, and we talked.
So anyway, last night he called me to say that him and his mum were talking about best friends, and he said he no longer has someone he can call his best friend.
Then his mum bought up the fact that Yogi and i had been talking for a long time, during the time that my bf and Yogi WEREN'T talking.
So last night my bf rang me up, asked me if Yogi and i were talking during the time the massive fight happened, and when he and Yogi weren't talking.
We didnt fight, he just wanted to know if it was true (which it wasn't. At the time in question, I told his mum that i would be civil towards Yogi instead of having a go at him if i see him at the house)
I still beat myself up about what happened, and would change it in a heart beat if i could.
My bf knows that.
Thats why i was so upset last night. I thought all of this shit was behind us,
He just wanted to know if it was true
To this day, Yogi and i arent talking. He was over a couple of weeks ago coz my bf was down, and i pretended to be asleep on the couch because i felt so uncomfortable with him there and i just wanted him to go.
I love my bf, and i know i hurt him immensely, and i wish i could change it, but i cant.
We all do stupid mistakes, and i freely admit that Yogi was mine.
When I went to bed last night, I didnt cry myself to sleep, although i easily could've if I wanted to.
My bf and i didnt so much have a fight, but i did get upset.
Alot.
A few years ago my bf has a best friend who we will call Yogi Bear.
A best friend is an understatement - i'd say more a brother.
Yogi and i were REALLY close, and he's come round to my place without y bf being in tow.
It was always me, my bf, yogi and his gf against the world.
So my bf and i broke up, and Yogi and his gf broke up - and we slept together.
It was never spoken of again.
Then my bf and i got back together, and Yogi got himself a new gf, and things were peachy again.
Until Yogi's gf was diagnosed with chlamydia. My bf said something to me that got me paranoid, and made em think that Yogi was the carrier of it.
So i told my bf there is a chance it could be chlamydia, because when we were broken up Yogi and I slept together.
Well - did shit hit the fan or what!!
My bf confronted Yogi about it, who outright denied it and called me a lying slut (among other things), and then he turned a little psycho..
(Yogi works in IT, and got his current job by hacking into his network, and his boss told him to be the IT guy to stop arseholes like him from hacking in and accessing the info -so basally, by hacking he got his job).
Yogi denied it happened, called me a liar, even faked an IT hack (which he printed out "as proof").
Except his one mistake there was that he did "the hack" into 3 telephone network, and i'm on Optus. Always have been.
He was so conceivable that even i began to doubt myself!
My bf called Miss Bitch Face to ask who it was i slept with - she admitted it was Yogi.
Things were very rocky for a long time - i'd ruined the relationship that Yogi had with my bf, and with my bf's family.
Also ruined the relationship that my bf and i had, and the relationship with my bf''s family.
Yogi had been around for a very long time, and compared to him i had only just come on the scene, so it made sense that i wasn't believed 100%.
To this day, it is still a "he said, she said" and my bf has put it behind us and we've moved on, although it is always there.
When my bf moved away (another time when we were broken up) i sent Yogi a message via facebook to say i forgive him for what happened, i'm sorry for telling my bf etc etc.
He called me not long after, and organised for me to go to his work that night to talk about it.
I was shit scared when i arrived, and he could see that. We ended up getting Macca's for dinner, and going back to my place to keep talking.
He left his sun glasses at my place.
My bf found them when he came down once, and i told him that Yogi came round, and we talked.
So anyway, last night he called me to say that him and his mum were talking about best friends, and he said he no longer has someone he can call his best friend.
Then his mum bought up the fact that Yogi and i had been talking for a long time, during the time that my bf and Yogi WEREN'T talking.
So last night my bf rang me up, asked me if Yogi and i were talking during the time the massive fight happened, and when he and Yogi weren't talking.
We didnt fight, he just wanted to know if it was true (which it wasn't. At the time in question, I told his mum that i would be civil towards Yogi instead of having a go at him if i see him at the house)
I still beat myself up about what happened, and would change it in a heart beat if i could.
My bf knows that.
Thats why i was so upset last night. I thought all of this shit was behind us,
He just wanted to know if it was true
To this day, Yogi and i arent talking. He was over a couple of weeks ago coz my bf was down, and i pretended to be asleep on the couch because i felt so uncomfortable with him there and i just wanted him to go.
I love my bf, and i know i hurt him immensely, and i wish i could change it, but i cant.
We all do stupid mistakes, and i freely admit that Yogi was mine.
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
My Favourite Day
My favourite day of the month is the 15th.
But, it is also the worst day of the month.
Firstly, it is my favourite day because it's PAY DAY!!!
But I also hate it coz it's pay day - and it only comes around month a month and is so far away!
Right now, I feel like i'm scraping the barrel when it comes to money.
I have about $300 to last me until Monday. In hindsight, I guess it's probably more than enough. I don't plan on going on a shopping spree, and I have enough food to last me.
I just never like getting down so low.
What makes it even worse is that i got my tax back too, and thats virtually gone too!!
Mind you, I blame myself - obviously. Who else would I blame?
I transferred $500 to my visa, and an extra $200 to my loan. So thats basically my tax refund gone, and I'm living off my monthly paycheck.
Plus, I also bought $250 worth of gear for when I get my bike.
I always seem to get this way around this time - I always get stressed about money.
I need to manage my money better.
When I was promoted and got a pay rise, I thought "GREAT! More money!". Which I have - but I have also reached the next tax bracket. Not cool.
So I've decided to make a budget.
Hopefully I will be able to stick to it, and pay off my visa!
It also doesn't help that I have 3 people owing me a total of about $4000. Ah, if only they all paid up at once.
That would make me a happy camper!
My bf is down from Thursday. He can pay for things. I always seem to pay when we go to the shops and buy groceries. I always seem to have food here for him (meat etc), but he rarely buys things while he's down here, and I generally supply my own food when I go to his place.
Yep. Time for the man to pay.
Monday, 8 August 2011
My Helmet
Ok.
I have found my helmet.
I still love the other faery helmet, but i am not a complete girly-girl, and I can see this on my head more than the other one.
Plus, its more expensive than the faery helmet, and I have found it on ebay for half price of what it sells for in shop, brand new.
So I'm happy.
And I do really like it :-)
Just may have to wait until pay day to buy it :-(
I have found my helmet.
I still love the other faery helmet, but i am not a complete girly-girl, and I can see this on my head more than the other one.
Plus, its more expensive than the faery helmet, and I have found it on ebay for half price of what it sells for in shop, brand new.
So I'm happy.
And I do really like it :-)
Just may have to wait until pay day to buy it :-(
Saturday, 6 August 2011
My bf lives an hour and a half away, and doesn't have mobile reception where he is.
He has a home phone, which is fine, but sometime i want to let him know something that isn't worth a phone call - just a text.
Anyway, I'd been trying to get him to use heytell for a while now.
Finally got it set up on his phone while he was down.
He just sent me a little heytell saying goodnight.
He sounded so cute and adorable, and made me miss him lots.
It made me smile big :-)
He has a home phone, which is fine, but sometime i want to let him know something that isn't worth a phone call - just a text.
Anyway, I'd been trying to get him to use heytell for a while now.
Finally got it set up on his phone while he was down.
He just sent me a little heytell saying goodnight.
He sounded so cute and adorable, and made me miss him lots.
It made me smile big :-)
Friday, 5 August 2011
Gearin' Up
My bf came down Thursday (and has just left.... *sad face*).
But today we went sopping for bike gear for me.
I walked away with a pair of great kevlar jeans, and a pair of the most comfiest, warmest, awesome gloves.
My bf got a new helmet, and a few other bits and peices. His helmet is pretty sweet.
I really like it.
Before we left though, I had a quick look on ebay to see prices, styles etc.
I fell in love with this:
The brand: HJC
The model: Faery
(cant really see it in this pic, but towards the back of the helmet is a faery)
Its beautiful. I'm in love. I want it.
The only thing I'm not totally keen on is the fact it is WHITE!!!
If you know me, you'll know I despise white. Hate it with a passions when it comes to cars, bikes, etc. Walls and clothing, not so much.
We were talking to the chick at the shop, and I showed her my beloved helmet, and mentioned my distaste for white, and she assured me its more of a creamy-ish, off white colour, as opposed to white.
The chick was full of info on this helmet. Said it was bought out late '09, early '10, and knew exactly what helmet i was talking about before i'd even found her the pic! I guess thats why she works in a bike shop :-P
Also said if I really wanted the helmet, chances are I"d have to buy it online, as its an older style, so shops probably wont stock it.
I will have a search online for it, but may have to settle on something else. *sigh*
Its ok though, already found one on ebay i don't mind - black, with silver barbed wire running over the helmet, and the wire has a pink outline. Not a heap of pink, so it's a helmet I wouldn't mind wearing.
Just coz I"m a girl, doesn't mean I need to have pink gear.
The search will continue....
But today we went sopping for bike gear for me.
I walked away with a pair of great kevlar jeans, and a pair of the most comfiest, warmest, awesome gloves.
My bf got a new helmet, and a few other bits and peices. His helmet is pretty sweet.
I really like it.
Before we left though, I had a quick look on ebay to see prices, styles etc.
I fell in love with this:
The brand: HJC
The model: Faery
(cant really see it in this pic, but towards the back of the helmet is a faery)
Its beautiful. I'm in love. I want it.
The only thing I'm not totally keen on is the fact it is WHITE!!!
If you know me, you'll know I despise white. Hate it with a passions when it comes to cars, bikes, etc. Walls and clothing, not so much.
We were talking to the chick at the shop, and I showed her my beloved helmet, and mentioned my distaste for white, and she assured me its more of a creamy-ish, off white colour, as opposed to white.
The chick was full of info on this helmet. Said it was bought out late '09, early '10, and knew exactly what helmet i was talking about before i'd even found her the pic! I guess thats why she works in a bike shop :-P
Also said if I really wanted the helmet, chances are I"d have to buy it online, as its an older style, so shops probably wont stock it.
I will have a search online for it, but may have to settle on something else. *sigh*
Its ok though, already found one on ebay i don't mind - black, with silver barbed wire running over the helmet, and the wire has a pink outline. Not a heap of pink, so it's a helmet I wouldn't mind wearing.
Just coz I"m a girl, doesn't mean I need to have pink gear.
The search will continue....
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Working....?
So I'm at work. Its 8am.
Bored already.
Probably really shouldn't be blogging right now, especially considering the GM, the national manager, my boss and the GM's PA all sit either behind me, or slightly off to the side.
I am still convinced they can see my computer screens with their x-ray vision they all have.
Especially Toad.
Man I hate her.
Alot.
Wonder how long it will take before I can single-handedly get blogger.com banned at work?
Lets see...
Bored already.
Probably really shouldn't be blogging right now, especially considering the GM, the national manager, my boss and the GM's PA all sit either behind me, or slightly off to the side.
I am still convinced they can see my computer screens with their x-ray vision they all have.
Especially Toad.
Man I hate her.
Alot.
Wonder how long it will take before I can single-handedly get blogger.com banned at work?
Lets see...
The meaty cookings of a vegetarian person
Vegetarians don't eat meat.
Simple.
Doesn't mean we cant cook it though!
I don't understand everyone's disdain when they find out I've cooked meat.
I enjoy cooking, and enjoy cooking different thinks, so why not?
Admittedly, it does suck when I cook meat, because I cannot taste my own creation, but the satisfaction I get when i see people enjoy my food is worth it.
Sometimes it would be nice to eat it, so I can make sure its seasoned properly, or even test to see if its cooked thoroughly.
I do have little taste tests during the cooking stages, just making sure there is no meat on the end of the spoon when I do.
My boyfriend is one lucky person.
He lives an hour and a half away, and when he arrived tonight he will be sitting down to a meal of rabbit stew.
Ok, it doesn't sound too appealing. Agree.
But i more just wanted to try and cook with rabbit for something different. The recipe I really want to do only uses the hind legs (the recipe calls for 4-6), so i bought 2 rabbits, and then needed to do something with the remaining meat - or what is left. Rabbits really are tiny! Pure fluff!
Tomorrow, BF will be sitting down to a dinner of Curried Rabbit legs, with basmati riice and home made garlic naan.
While he demolishes his rabbit, I will be devouring my own dinner - I think toasted sandwiches are on the cards tonight, and garlic naan bread tomorrow!
I love naan.
Simple.
Doesn't mean we cant cook it though!
I don't understand everyone's disdain when they find out I've cooked meat.
I enjoy cooking, and enjoy cooking different thinks, so why not?
Admittedly, it does suck when I cook meat, because I cannot taste my own creation, but the satisfaction I get when i see people enjoy my food is worth it.
Sometimes it would be nice to eat it, so I can make sure its seasoned properly, or even test to see if its cooked thoroughly.
I do have little taste tests during the cooking stages, just making sure there is no meat on the end of the spoon when I do.
My boyfriend is one lucky person.
He lives an hour and a half away, and when he arrived tonight he will be sitting down to a meal of rabbit stew.
Ok, it doesn't sound too appealing. Agree.
But i more just wanted to try and cook with rabbit for something different. The recipe I really want to do only uses the hind legs (the recipe calls for 4-6), so i bought 2 rabbits, and then needed to do something with the remaining meat - or what is left. Rabbits really are tiny! Pure fluff!
Tomorrow, BF will be sitting down to a dinner of Curried Rabbit legs, with basmati riice and home made garlic naan.
While he demolishes his rabbit, I will be devouring my own dinner - I think toasted sandwiches are on the cards tonight, and garlic naan bread tomorrow!
I love naan.
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Back on the L's
Woke up this morning at 6:10am, to a phone call from my boyfriend wishing me luck for today.
I would rather he not call me and let me sleep for the remaining 5minutes I had before my alarm woke up, but it was a nice gesture.
After weighing up the options and having a debate with myself and making a list of pro's and con's all in the space of 20minutes, I decided it best to drag my arse out of bed and into the shower.
After getting dressed, and eating some yogurt (Yeah, coz that will keep me full for the whole day!) I was out of the door by 7:12am.
After meeting everyone at 7:30 at BWS, we were on our way to Sandown Racecourse to get out motorbike L's.
I knew everyone doing the course, which was a bonus, and there was another Miss Same Name there. She's awesome.
We got on the bikes, and the instructor let us go round the course a couple of times after running us through the basics.
He really wanted to put Miss Same Name on one of the scooters, because she hadn't ridden before, but she asked for one more shot around and she was sweet.
I did everything on the course fine, began to get more comfortable on the bike towards the end.
But then came the time to be tested. And I panicked. I was tense, and making stupid mistakes.
But I still passed.
So now I have my motorbike L's.
I'm scared about riding on the open road with all the dickheads in cars. But I"m excited to be able to go for rides around the coast, or day rides etc with Miss Same Name, my best mate Miss Bitch Face, and my lovely boyfriend - we will call him my bf (original, I know :-P)
Oh, and I scored the highest on the written test. 30 out of 32. Go me!
I would rather he not call me and let me sleep for the remaining 5minutes I had before my alarm woke up, but it was a nice gesture.
After weighing up the options and having a debate with myself and making a list of pro's and con's all in the space of 20minutes, I decided it best to drag my arse out of bed and into the shower.
After getting dressed, and eating some yogurt (Yeah, coz that will keep me full for the whole day!) I was out of the door by 7:12am.
After meeting everyone at 7:30 at BWS, we were on our way to Sandown Racecourse to get out motorbike L's.
I knew everyone doing the course, which was a bonus, and there was another Miss Same Name there. She's awesome.
We got on the bikes, and the instructor let us go round the course a couple of times after running us through the basics.
He really wanted to put Miss Same Name on one of the scooters, because she hadn't ridden before, but she asked for one more shot around and she was sweet.
I did everything on the course fine, began to get more comfortable on the bike towards the end.
But then came the time to be tested. And I panicked. I was tense, and making stupid mistakes.
But I still passed.
So now I have my motorbike L's.
I'm scared about riding on the open road with all the dickheads in cars. But I"m excited to be able to go for rides around the coast, or day rides etc with Miss Same Name, my best mate Miss Bitch Face, and my lovely boyfriend - we will call him my bf (original, I know :-P)
Oh, and I scored the highest on the written test. 30 out of 32. Go me!
Blog virgin
You read correctly.
Its my first post in my first blog.
My blog cherry has been popped!
Honestly, I don't feel any different. I don't think people will look at me and think to themselves "OMG! She blogged!" and look down upon me for it.
Not that I felt much different after my first time anyway. It didn't hurt, and it was with someone I loved.
No issue.
I was probably happier afterwards, but that was more due to the amount of - pressure - I guess, that is on having sex for the first time these days. I felt relieved, and I guess it made me more secure in the relationship.
It could've gone completely the other way too though. Once we slept together, he could've dumped me.
"OK, I've got what I wanted. Thanks. Now don't let the door hit your arse on the way out!"
"OK, I've got what I wanted. Thanks. Now don't let the door hit your arse on the way out!"
Thankfully, he's not like that.
Yep. Same thing here. Peer pressure (although not from many people, more one in particular - you know who you are!), and now I feel ok. Wouldn't say relieved, but it is definitely something I could get used to, and enjoy - much like sex :-P
Go me, managing to equate my first time having sex to the first I'm blog.
All downhill from here people!
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